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London 2012 August 8, 2008

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.

My greatest fear is that I’ll be put in charge of organising the 2012 London Olympics’ opening ceremony. Stranger things have happened, and I might easily be having an affair with someone important by then, like Seb Coe or Jacques Rogge. So what if they say, thinking, mistakenly, that I’d take it as an honour, “‘ere, BiB. We reckon you’ve got what it takes. Here’s £22.75. Come up wiv summink a bit spesh.”

So I’ve been watching the opening ceremony from Beijing to get some hints. I’ve been taking some notes and think with a little bit of cross-cultural adaptation, I might be able to produce something pretty god damn memorable. And it’s relatively early days, of course, when I presume, if push comes to shove and I am expected to portray the UK to the world in a positive light, I’ll just have to go down Barking High Street a few weeks before the event and ask a few willing citizens if they’re happy to help me out if I buy them a pint afterwards. I doubt the good salt-o’-the-earth folks of East London will let me down.

I suppose I could grow into the job, once I conquer my initial dread. But what if I pitch it too low? What if I shame Queen and country? What if I paint a false picture of the UK in the eyes of our overseas chums? The Chinese, after all, have packed thousands of years’ worth of culture into their extravaganza. And Sarah Brightman.

A central motif of today’s spectacle has been paper. The Chinese invented it after all, probably. And fireworks. There’ve been plenty of those. And money. And all that number 8 symbolism – 8pm, 8th day of 8th month – is to do with the word being the same for wealth. Much of the action has happened on an olde-worlde scroll which unfurled itself, in a very newe-worlde way, and provided the central stage for much of the ceremony’s proceedings.

Now I’m sure there’s no such thing as plagiarism when it comes to Olympic choreography so I think I might stick with the Chinese paper motif for 2012. But then how to keep costs low? My budget will probably only be £22.75, remember. So I’m thinking of getting some volunteers – we can cut their benefits if they refuse – to sew a few thousand copies of The Sun and The Mirror together, preferably ones that have at some point in their life had fish and chips wrapped up in them, and unfurling them to whoops of joy from the world’s public.

But what could be the opening gambit of the ceremony? Once we’ve got the fish and chip scroll unfurled, we need to get a bit of a show on the road. And it’ll be London. So I think we should have a London Routemaster bus trundle out into the centre of our new and nearly-finished Olympic Stadium, incompletely built in the shape of a bowler hat. A pearly king and queen could be the driver and conductor. Or, if they’re willing to waive an appearance fee, the actual Queen and her consort. They would deliver to the centre of the fish and chip scroll the bus’s only passenger, our compère for the evening, Britain’s best comic, Jim Davidson. He could wow the crowd and, indeed, the world with gag after gag. “My wife’s so ugly…” he could begin.

But there’s got to be music and dancing too. And, like China, the UK is a multi-ethnic country. Naturally, these being the London games, we’d have local school-children doing a routine as chimney-sweeps and then a right, good ol’ Cockney Knees Up Muvva Brairn song and dance. Got to make the most of those braces, after all, as they’ll take up a good chunk of the budget. There can be some bagpipes to represent Scotland and bottles of whisky flashing up on the overhead projector (kindly donated by some London Borough Council free of charge as long as we leave their sticker on the side). A Welsh choir singing to footage of coal-mining and eisteddfod druids. Some murals from Northern Ireland. And something Cornish from Cornwall.

I’m thinking Right Said Fred for the pop interlude once the athletes from all those Pakistans and Palaus and Panamas are in. They should have the crowd going wild as the build-up to the Olympic flag being run up the flagpole and the Olympic flame being lit becomes unbearably tense. I’ll give Jacques a little kiss on the cheek and wish him good luck for making a rousing pre-Olympic speech. Prime Minister Dave can declare the games open and even announce that, thanks to me, not that I think I should be central to the ceremony at all, but maybe they could put a snap of me from my hols on the overhead projector at that point, we’d kept within our £22.75 budget. The Olympic flag, in a last-minute cutback, can be welched on and a photo of it can be stuck up on the overhead projector instead.

These games will be, most importantly of all, green games. Burning gas wantonly when it’ll be light for most of the proceedings is a great waste of resources. So we can modernise the Olympic flame. As the crowds hush and everyone realises the climax is upon them, Eddie the Eagle can be greeted in a riot of swooning, flag-waving and adulation, light a Swan Vestas safety match, set fire to a piece of string leading to a great big cauldron high above the not-quite-finished stadium and, just when everyone expects flames to billow out over London’s historic skyline, someone behind the scenes can flick a switch and a huge long-lasting two-pronged light-bulb will flood the Olympic sky with just as much mythos.

But I’m still not sure I’m the right man for the job.


1. Geoff - August 8, 2008

You’ve clearly been away from London for too long. You’ve missed an essential aspect of modern British life – the Routemaster would have to enter the stadium accompanied by an honour guard of hoodies, with the lights of the stadium glittering off the kitchen knives they’d be holding aloft.

2. BiB - August 8, 2008

Geoff, it could actually be an impressive sight, people holding glinting metal aloft, but only if we could convince the world it had some mythic significance. Old ceremonial swords. Ancient British scimitars. I don’t want to lower the tone, after all, once I’ve gone to the trouble of getting Jim Davidson and Right Said Fred.

I was thinking about London and Berlin’s reputations the other day. Surely the wank about cool Berlin will dry up soon, which isn’t to say it isn’t still a lovely place. And I wondered if London’s reputation is now something like New York’s would have been in the UK when we were young, i.e. a dangerous, crime-riddled hell-hole. Crime comes up pretty quickly pretty frequently when discussing London with non-Londoners these days.

3. narrowback - August 8, 2008

If you don’t mind I may just pass along some of your concepts to the Chicago 2016 Committee…we’d have to “translate” them to Chicagoese however

I agree, a return to non-hip!edgy! Berlin! would not affect the fundamental attractiveness of the city and, for many of us, would enhance it. For me, a reduction in the prevalence of billyburgers would surely be appreciated.

4. BiB - August 9, 2008

Narrowback, is Chicago going for the 2016 games? Have they got a good chance, does the rumour mill say? Might it be too soon for America to win the hosting honour again when the Atlanta Olympics were only in 1996? Mind you, there was only a 12-year gap between the LA and Atlanta games.

Promise me, if Chicago does win, you will personally take any opening ceremony choreographers hostage if they suggest inviting Renée Zellweger and Catherine Zeta-Jones to repeat scenes from the film of the same name. (Still haven’t forgiven it for having a Hungarian character launch into Russian at one point.)

5. ThePenguin - August 9, 2008

Tokyo is bidding heavily for the 2016 games too. Not sure if there are any plans for the opening ceremony yet, but if there are they will probably involve giant dancing cartoon cats.

6. Mr D - August 9, 2008

If that’s what Tokyo promises, then I for one would support their bid! You just can’t beat giant dancing cartoon cats. I might even watch a moment of the Olympics, albeit the opening ceremony, if that was on offer. Having said that, I’m sure I’ll tune in for BiB’s choreographed pearly people and baldy popsters.

Can anything beat the toasting of the doves (towards the end) in Seoul, though?

7. narrowback - August 9, 2008

Yeah, Chicago is in the running for the 2016 games. It’s the latest effort by Mayor Daley (the son of the infamous Mayor Daley of the 1968 Democratic convention riots) to turn rust belt Chicago into Weltstadt Chicago. I don’t know the most current status of the bid but we are still in the running. I can’t speak to the Olympic politics, as near any form of sport is totally alien to me. The bid is a controversial issue locally and that surely affects our chances. We had a near riot at the big July 4th fireworks display downtown… IIRC there was one dead and 4 wounded from gunfire and the police response was subject to much criticism. For the next week all forms of media were harping on the question of whether or not the city could “handle” the Olympics.

However, word is that we still stand a good chance of winning the bid.

It would be interesting from an urban planning perspective – a huge chunk of the city being redeveloped in one swoop…if one puts aside such issues as cost, both human and financial. That’s always a major “IF” in my book.

Can’t say I saw the movie or the play for that matter. The gangster/honky tonk history of this town does have some appeal for me- I just love the name “Bugs Moran” – but romanticized versions of the city’s history a la “Chicago” leave me disquieted … You want a good picture of Chicago in the early to mid 20th century 1900’s there’s plenty of honest books out there… Sinclar’s “The Jungle” and Algren’s “Man with the Golden Arm” jump to mind.

I don’t think hostage taking will be necessary. Part of the Mayor’s plan for reinvention is to put distance between the city and most of its history…any choreographer who suggests a theme including flappers, cook county jail, etc. would wind up sleeping with the fishes long before I could get to them.

8. Tim Footman - August 9, 2008

The 2012 opening ceremony will feature Dr Who, don’t forget.

9. BiB - August 10, 2008

Tim, but does he transcend all cultural boundaries? Has he gone global without my realising it? I might have to delegate the section of the ceremony he’s involved in. I’ve only just conquered my fear of the theme tune – if it hasn’t changed in 30 years – that used to make me hide behind the red leatherette sofa.

Narrowback, imagine how busy you’d be! Having to reshape the whole city. Could be the chance of a lifetime, though I’d have to drink myself to oblivion well in advance if ever faced with that kind of pressure. I like the idea of all the urban regeneration and I’ll be genuinely interested to see, if I’m spared, how the Olympic bit of London is transformed… “Sleeping with the fishes.” Magnificent. Though, come to think of it, I think flappers might be a nice touch.

Mr D, oh dear. Do you think the organisers were screaming at each other as the cameras zoomed in on the about-to-be-barbecued doves of peace? If I can afford a pigeon or two for 2012, I’ll make a note not to release them until after the light-bulb has been switched on in all its glory.

Pengers, I have missed out on this (and many other) aspect(s) of modern Japanese culture. Is there some specific cartoon character I need to find out about to fill in a glaring gap in my general knowledge? I can’t even think what to google… So Tokyo and Chicago in the running. I must say I did think the Germans were almost endearingly dim to enter Leipzig as a candidate city up against cities like New York, Paris and London last time. Perhaps they thought they could stun the voters into voting for them.

10. ThePenguin - August 10, 2008

I was thinking something along the lines of Hello Kitty, a cultural icon which has come to dominate all aspects of contemporary cultural life in Japan. Taking the Olympic Flame from Miffy (representing the rest of the world) Hello Kitty will be launched into the air where she will turn, transformer-like, into a giant flying robot which launches the flame at Godzilla, in whose possession the big flame-burning thing is. The flame will skewer Godzilla, sending him tumbling backwards into the Tokyo night while the flame erupts into brilliant light and a rain of rose petals showers down from the skies to the theme music of Atom Boy.

11. narrowback - August 10, 2008

I can’t claim authorship of “sleeping with the fishes”. The most public use of the term was a dialogue from “The Godfather” … there’s also “he was fitted for cement shoes” or the more contemporary “He did a Hoffa”

My jurisdiction does not extend into the city so I would not be involved in any of the actual planning – just an observer tho’ I expect that nt neighbors would try to enlist me to be their advocate with credentials. However, as I live just on the north edge of the proposed Olympic area, I would be more than casually interested.

Peguin – love it. … precisely because of your inclusion of Godzilla

12. Ed Ward - August 10, 2008

Narrowback, how could you ever forget Studs Lonigan, who represents Chicago to me, and has ever since I first read the trilogy in my childhood?

I do love the Hello Kitty/Godzilla faceoff, though; two icons of modern Japan. And I knew the Kitty had conquered when the vibrator went on sale.

13. d.z. bodenberg - August 11, 2008

I might easily be having an affair with someone important by then, like Seb Coe or Jacques Rogge.

What about Boris? That would be one way for him to out-do Ken’s “we’re all bisexual” quote; and he might become almost as popular as Wowi. Or vice-versa. Boris in a white suit at a Nana Miskouri gig, before popping back by concorde to meet Obama or see some soldiers get sworn-in, or -at, or something.

Right Said Fred, I remember, was going to re-launch himself (as the same character he always was), with a European tour, starting, where else, but in Berlin (and not part of the regular ‘Bad Taste’ event at every Pankow under-15s favourite venue, ‘Magnet’ on the Greifswalder Straße, where ‘I’ve got the power’ Snap were once scheduled a while back, either) – but even here, he only managed to sell about 7.3 tickets and cancelled the whole central/eastern European shebang and went back to being a document duplicating operating manager (or ‘doing the photocopying’) for a temping agency in Cricklewood. Though he could well be living in Weißensee (sharing with Snap, perhaps), having not earned enough to get the flight home.

14. d.z. bodenberg - August 11, 2008

Ed: you mean there isn’t a Godzilla vibrator? I’m sure there is.

15. narrowback - August 11, 2008

ah, Ed, J.T. Farrell was not only aTrotskyite but a Mt. Carmel b’hoy at that!

Seriously, Sinclar and Algren were quick off the top of my head. Not suprising as I read those early in my life. I only read Farrel’s take after I moved to Chicago in the 80’s

16. IsarSteve - August 11, 2008

Excuse me honest sportspeople, but the whole Olympic thing tosses me off.. The whole event seems to be just as corrupt as the rest of life.. and I still can remember the ‘Olmpic Dream’ welling up in my young breast during ‘Tokyo 1964’. Where has it gone?
The current games are just like ‘Berlin 1936’.. we all know that it’s a whitewash.. so why bother?

Recently when in Berghain.. I thought this is just like the ‘Tour de France’.. perhaps not quite so many stimulants, but getting there..

Let’s hold the next games in Berghain.. Berghain 2016!!

p.s. I might want to erase this comment when I wake up tomorrow…..

17. IsarSteve - August 11, 2008

where am I ?
what time is it?
did I write THAT?

18. narrowback - August 11, 2008

speaking of olympics – yesterday I had a conversation regarding similarities between the Berlin 36 Olympiad and Beijing 2008

then I came across this earlier today:


19. Geoff - August 11, 2008

It’s really depressing that the whole crime thing comes up all the time with non-Londoners (and Londoners too come to think of it), especially when crime in London has fallen 20% in 5 years according to police stats and the british crime survey, but the Standard and the Mail have been fear-mongering for so long, along with the Tories, that people think the opposite, which is really depressing, and it’s even more depressing that the same impression has now spread across the world.

20. d.z. bodenberg - August 12, 2008

It’s all part of a detailed, long-term PR campaign to convince people that London really, really is like New York used to be before it got ruined by tourists and yuppies (idea copyright Berlin Marketingservice GmbH- the ruining, I mean, not the PR campaign). And to make people scared so they vote Tory or worse / voluntarily live in a police state.

21. bowleserised - August 12, 2008

Hello Kitty could probably bat Mothra out of the sky too.

BiB – have you factored Morris Dancers and people covered in bees/straw/politically incorrect black-up make up into this? You know, all our traditional folk pageants. And don’t forget giant rolling cheeses, preferably the size of that Chinese globe. And rows of fifty foot high front doors with ten-foot high door steps for an enormous game of knock-down ginger played by photogenic school children with jet packs.

22. d.z. bodenberg - August 12, 2008

I suggest getting “Runaround” recognised as an olympic sport. If not, having that as the entire opening ceremony. Perhaps Mike Reid’s had a son who can be in charge of it, or something.

23. BiB - August 12, 2008

d.z., not that I mean to get jingoistic, but I think, in time for the London games, sports at which the British excel ought to be given Olympic status. A happy host nation can only enhance the Olympic spirit, after all. Darts. Snooker. Late-night TV poker. I’ll have a word with Boris, whom I’ve penned in for an affair from late 2011.

B., I’d forgotten about morris dancers. Hopefully a morris-dancing equivalent of Riverdance will have been released by then and the leader of the pack can steal (part of) the show. Is that Ride-a-White-Horse-to-Banbury-Cross song vaguely about morris dancing? And Knock Down Ginger is the best fun in the world. It would be hopeless here, though, wouldn’t it? I often answer the buzzer and there’s no-one there but that’s just because, I’ve always thought, someone else has let the pizza-leaflet-deliverer in first. Maybe I’m forgetting to notice I’m the victim of a hilarious stunt each time.

Geoff, my mother warns me every time I leave the house in London, which isn’t often, that the streets are MUCH more dangerous than last time I was there. I tell her, each time, that I think her advice is wrong but she remains staunch in her conviction. Anyway, she’s now moved to some county or other so I assume she’ll say everything is a haven of crimelessness (unless I choose to take a train to London). But, yes, all the coverage of knife crime has very much captured the world’s imagination, I’m afraid.

Narrowback, thanks for that link. Which reminds me I need to badger the people at the Waisenhaus again. Yet another of my going-nowhere projects. (I looked up How-to-Become-a-Masseur today, but gave up when I saw the 1000 euro course fees.) But, yes, I think you’re a shoo-in for an advisory role if you beat Tokyo to the 2016 games.

Steve, are you a Berghain bunny? I went there at some point in the summer, pretending to be young. All that arriving at 4am and standing in the queue for an hour. And then losing my two companions and falling asleep somewhere and getting home at 100 o’clock. I didn’t take any steroids beforehand or any narcotics, other than alcohol, which I did take, once inside. I haven’t got Olympic fever yet, but I usually enjoy the athletics.

Ed, yes, it’s an excellent face-off, isn’t it? And so cosily heart-warming that Hello Kitty wins the day. Do you think there’s a way of getting the vibrator involved? Maybe the Olympic torch could be the shape of one, though it would defeat the object, a bit, to set Hello Kitty’s head alight.

Penguin, your ideas are so magnificent that I’ve already pushed a few brown envelopes under a few important people’s doors to guarantee that you are in sole charge of the Tokyo 2016 opening ceremony, should Japan win the bid. (I’ve pushed another couple of envelopes under another couple of doors to ensure you/they do. Don’t tell Narrowback.) Not that I don’t have total confidence in my own artistic capabilities, but do you think you might be interested in an advisory role for 2012 too?

24. narrowback - August 13, 2008

BiB despite your years in russia I seriously doubt you can compete with chicago in terms of influence peddling, graft, bribery and – last but not least – clout. In fact if these were ever made olympic events Chicago would go home with the gold…tho’ I know the Chinese have become adept at it I’ve not heard much about the Japanese team.

25. BiB - August 13, 2008

Narrowback, come to think of it, a job I might like even less than having anything at all to do with the 2012 London Olympics would be having absolutely even the vaguest thing at all to do with the Sochi 2014 Olympics. I imagine there’ll be some serious palm-greasing going on there though, to be honest, I am unsure of where Russia currently scores on corruption league tables.

I loved the Moscow opening ceremony. The first one I can remember and there was all that making pictures with spectators turning over bits of card on cue. I suppose they’ll go all hi-tech for Sochi.

26. IsarSteve - August 13, 2008

Steve, are you a Berghain bunny?

Me a Bunny?.. Oh you mean like these?


And just think.. you pretending to be young… how absurd… I don’t bother anymore..

27. BiB - August 13, 2008

Steve, exactly like her. Did you even put on the ears? I like the gent on the right in your snap. But what’s that hanging off the ring of his harness? A bottle-opener? I thought real German men used anything but to manlily open their Becks.

28. IsarSteve - August 13, 2008

I’ve seen it done with teeth…. shudder

29. IsarSteve - August 13, 2008

I just took another look.. no it’s not a bottle opener.. that’s where his appendage attachment is connected up…
Oh and BTW, is that you behind in the blond wig?

30. BiB - August 13, 2008

I have to confess to never having donned a harness. Does this mean I have to give back my gay card? What is an appendage attachment and what does it connect to? The ring of the harness being worn by the man in front? In case they got lost?

Alas, that’s not me behind. I haven’t put on a frock – a bridesmaid’s dress from my sister’s wedding – since I was in 6th form. I’ve got a feeling some of my chums exchanged the odd knowing look. Would love to have another go.

31. narrowback - August 14, 2008

BiB…I forgot to mention that I’m still willing to line ou financial support if you ever get the waisenhaus project up and running.

I always had a soft spot for those communist bloc synchronized placard displays…sadly it seems only north korea does those nowadays.

the only men (come to think of it some women as well) I’ve seen open beer bottles with their teeth were – ahem – rural folk in the deep american south. I don’t know if its as prevalent since the widespread introduction of twist offs for domestic beer (these folks don’t drink imports) but I’m not willing to return to confirm or deny.

Sounds like you may need to visit Chicago during the annual International Mr. Leather bash to get an education on leather accoutrements and their uses. However, since none one has demanded my union card back because I just don’t get Madonna, I doubt you’re at risk of losing yours.

32. Anonymous - August 14, 2008

Pleasey please can I dress in my Welsh lady’s outfit and clog-dance in front of the male voice choir in front of the coal mines?! Os gwelwch yn dda!
You are sooooo the best man for the job. I should have askedyou to plan my wedding…

33. Le Welsh on nights - August 14, 2008

Didn’t mean to be anonymous, sorry!

34. Ed Ward - August 14, 2008

No, no, the only *really* manly way to open a beer bottle here is with a cigarette lighter. I’ve never quite figured it out, myself, but I’m told you can’t join the building trades union without being able to do it. I tried, I practiced, but the necessary angle just eluded me.

35. ThePenguin - August 14, 2008

It’s also acceptable to prise the cap off one bottle using another one.

36. BiB - August 14, 2008

Penguin, I witnessed this last night, plus the old favourite of opening the bottle by pushing it down along the edge of the crate. I’ve always thought only German can do this kind of thing. Must it be an important rite of passage at schools?

Ed, I have tried and tried to learn that manoeuvre and just can’t get it. I was once on a work trip in Russia. I was the only man and was called upon to do all sorts of manly things, like open the one bottle of beer that we had between 15 of us. No opener. I hacked away with a lighter and sheer will until the bastard was open. I actually drew blood.

Welshy, I’d be a hopeless wedding organiser. I’d suffer from panic within five seconds of being assigned the job and would drink all the booze for the occasion within five minutes of getting down to ‘work’. I’m sure you’re managing it marvellously well and hope it isn’t driving you nuts. Is there going to be a Welsh theme at all? Are you marrying in a Welsh-language church?

Narrowback, I’ve heard of mythical Russian men who open bottles with their eye sockets. Which I think is the most recklessly pointless display of machodom imaginable. I was in a café here alone not long ago, trying not to look too odd. Drinks were self-served from the fridge. I saw a bottle-opener attached to the fridge door and tried to apply it to my bottle of mineral water. After a few seconds of fruitless hacking, I realised it was a twist-off cap. I ignored the laughter.

37. narrowback - August 14, 2008

I’ve heard similar stories about the use of eye sockets as bottle openers tho’ not involving russians… IIRC it was hells Angels.

“recklessly pointless” – genau.

BTW Not since March of 1953 has Gori been mentioned so frequently in the news.

38. BiB - August 25, 2008

Narrowback, indeed, it’s all been a depressing spectacle, and has even led to raised voices in this household, which is usually a sanctuary of peace and love, and ludicrously hot-tempered accusations being flung about. Which has, at least, been quite good fun. Naturally, any move of Putin’s (or Medvedev’s, if we’re pretending) I have blamed on my darling. I’ve probably been accused of being in bed with the neo-cons.

39. narrowback - August 27, 2008

the majority of elderly emigres I’ve encountered here seem to be anti-putin but there’s been a few for whom renewed nationalism has its charms.

I heard that you ran into O&A recently while you were on one of your rare jaunts to the west. I was disappointed to learn that they decided to defer their trip to the US in exchange for a new apartment.

Oh and BTW would you believe that your local watering hole on Erich Weinert Str. has made it into guide books? I was helping a friend with some planning for his upcoming visit to berlin and he was rattling off the list of bars from the guidebook asking if I was familiar with them

40. narrowback - August 27, 2008

ooops… too quick there. The guidebook gave it a good review…cozy, neighborhoody, intellectual(?)

41. BiB - August 27, 2008

Which one’s that? Stiller Don? I really need to intellectualise my life so should probably start going there on a regular basis. (I normally only go when you’re in town!) And, yes, I bumped into O. I was, I’m afraid to say, rather the worse for wear but he greeted me warmly. Of course I’ve given up drink 18 times since then.

42. narrowback - August 27, 2008

Ja, Stille Don

the problem with the guide book mention is that it’s sure to bring in more yanks.

I’ve gotten off and on the wagon so frequently that in some quarters my nickname is “the Teamster” (wagon driver)

43. BiB - August 27, 2008

I think they’ll be glad of the custom. I’ve only ever been there on a Monday, which is its weekly heyday, if one can have a heyday so often. The rest of the time I think it’s pretty quiet. Americans tip better than Germans too, no doubt.

44. Anonymous - February 1, 2010

I think they’ll be glad

45. BiB - July 13, 2010

Indeed, indeed.

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