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Nipple swap November 23, 2007

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.

I was just saying to the Russian that, in a way, it’s a shame his nipples aren’t on his back as then I could have a little manipulate of them instead of just getting plain back when sitting behind him watching Wife Swap. But then I suppose they’re conveniently enough positioned where they are at other times and I can’t get on to the United Nations at this hour to suggest a working group be set up, chaired by São Tomé and Principe, to prepare a fact-finding mission AND feasibility study into whether we can all have our nips moved.

And, darlings, I can’t write about TV and Wife Swap again, so will limit myself to saying it is quite the most engaging televisual experience I’ve ever had. Twice. Yes, twice I can remember watching the programme and twice it’s been perfect as they have, inevitably, got two utterly different wives, one of whom is prim, proper and as anal about how the cutlery sits in its little plastic home as Mickey Rourke was about his suits in that film – what’s it called? 13¾ Weeks? – with Kim Basingstoke and the other who is, as luck would have it, less prim, untroubled by intellect and happy to live in a one-bedroomed cesspit. God, it’s a good watch.

So, I won’t blog about that. No TV. No nipples. That’s in the constitution.

I’m being a beaver at the moment. Beavering away at all sorts. Mostly of a translatorly bent. So I’m a zombie. Incapable of thought. And equally incapable of blogging. So I’m only really writing this to keep my hand in (and now dispel inopportune thoughts of the Hokey Cokey). And to say hello again.

Hello again.



1. annie - November 23, 2007


But why do you sit BEHIND the Russian? Is it some sort of Russian custom? Most people sit next to each other whilst watching TV. Ay, you crazy kids…

(you’ve been linked to by the Big Nipples Blog – fame at last!)

2. bering - November 23, 2007


annie has a point. is this a tandem couch or something?

3. marshaklein - November 23, 2007

Hello, I’m also confused about your seating arrangements. Does the BiB/Russian household forego chairs on religious grounds?


And I agree that the UN is probably too busy to organise a working group to look into nipple location, but I’d give the EU a shot if I were you – standardisation of size, weight and location is much more their kind of thing anyway, isn’t it? Just think of all the fact-finding visits you’d have to make. Not to mention the grants that are undoubtedly available.

P.S I’m not really this much of a eurosceptic, being far too ignorant of the subject to have a proper opinion.

4. bowleserised - November 23, 2007

I think they must sit on the floor like 1980s British partygoers – what was that song that involved everyone doing a sort of sit-down conga?

5. Mr D - November 23, 2007

You’re just like Chandler and Joey that time in ‘Friends’ when they had their furniture stolen but were left with a canoe to sit in. Is there a canoe in front if the telly in the BiB/Russian household?

Of most concern is that there would be nipple-play going on during ‘Wife Swap’ – that’s one of the kinkiest perversions I’ve ever heard of! ;-)

6. Karl-Marx-Straße - November 23, 2007

I was listening to The Moral Maze the other night on the very subject of breast, nose and all other such ‘jobs’ and the upstroke of it is that both Alex Callinicos and Clare Fox, as well as Sarah Dunant and Dr. Philip Hodson all agree that nipple-moving is possible, though only Clare Fox and the woman who’d dedicated her life to looking like Barbie (and thinking along roughly the same scale) think it would be A Good Thing. For working class women. I don’t know if their support applies to Russian students. Perhaps you could phone the BBC Duty Office and find out (or ask Ms Fox personally via ‘Talking Bonkers About Smoking’, ‘The Instutute of Fucking Mad Ideas’, ‘Build A Nuclear Power Station On My Roof To Show Cameron Who’s More Serious About Energy Efficiency’, ‘More Rights for Child Molesters’, ‘More Lead in Petrol Now, Please, We’re British, and by the way, Make My Car a Big 4×4 If You Don’t Mind At The Same Time’ and ‘The Nanny State is Worse Than Stalin’; or whatever strange big-business-funded pressure group the ex-pro-Milosevic-es of Living Marxism and the Revolutionary Communist Party is currently pushing in the media).

7. Karl-Marx-Straße - November 23, 2007

I think they must sit on the floor like 1980s British partygoers – what was that song that involved everyone doing a sort of sit-down conga?

The very-drunken conga?
The conga in a geriactric hospital?
‘Let’s not do the conga actually but just listen to the tune as it’s soooo great’?
‘Oooh! Gary Davies’?

8. Mr D - November 23, 2007

Sit Down by James?

Could we have nipples front and back, by the way? Or am I just being greedy?

9. bowleserised - November 23, 2007

The trouble with moving nipples is that they’re very likely to lose all sensation – a side effect of boob enlargements and reductions.

What was that dance? Everyone sat in a long line and patted the floor and clapped their hands.

10. pleite - November 23, 2007

B. was it, “Oops Up Side Yer Head”? I think it’s a staple, or was a staple, at working-class weddings. Or was a forerunner of the Macarena moment on any special occasion. Although, as with the Macarena, I think the beauty of the synchronicity was often spoiled by certain people who didn’t know the moves. (Except I can’t remember the patting the floor. Wasn’t Oops Up Side Yer Head about rowing a boat? I might have to dig out Superman by Black Lace.)

Mr D, front and back would be a nipple glut. They’d lose their aura. Everyone already hates it when someone reveals they have a third nipple. And I don’t think Sit Down by James – I rather liked that song. Must go back and find it and see if my taste has changed. But I might become a student again and have to drink cider’n’black – had a line-dance all of its own. Although maybe some modern interpreters sat down, appropriately enough, at that juncture.

Karl, I’ve already blogged my conga story on the Isle of Wight, I’m sure, so won’t repeat it, but will say, just in case we’ve lost anyone from North America, that I think what we call a conga, they call a love-train… And, look, Ms. Fox has invented the Institute of Ideas, abbreviated to IoI, which I, of course, initially mistook, for lol.

Marsha, mmm, grants. Although I agree with paying my own way, of course, as a fine, upstanding citizen. And Blackadder. On youtube. Fantastic. Blackadder was as much of a staple of my youth as Oops Up Side Yer Head is of working-class weddings. And I adored that episode. In fact, I’ve wanted an excuse for a while to say I sat next to Miriam Margolyes on the tube on some London visit or other and she muttered away to herself happily throughout her journey. She was dressed very nicely.

Bering (everyone. Bering’s my new pal. Over at Doing Swimmingly. Go and visit), let me explain. The Russian was sitting watching TV. I was probably sitting next to him, also watching, and vaguely playing with my laptop. And for some reason, his t-shirt must have become removed, or fallen off. I didn’t mean the moment to sound sexy at all. And I thought I’d mark the occasion with a hint of tenderness, and, luckily, he was sort of perched on the edge of the sofa so there was room for me to sidle up and squish in behind him and stick my legs out on either side of him…

…Annie, which means it would have been convenient to have his nipples on his back. I could, of course, have rummaged around in front of him and groped around for his nips, but he is so wide that unless he had his arms in the air, I wouldn’t have been able to reach and, as luck wouldn’t have it, he didn’t have his arms coincidentally in the air. And I’ve had to delete the big nipples blog. We can’t have spam. (Speaking of behind Russians, have I told you that to get married, for a woman, in Russian, is literally to go behind a husband? A man bewifes himself.)

11. Karl-Marx-Straße - November 23, 2007

Oh, yes, ‘The Institue of Fucking Mad Ideas’. God, can someone please provide me with ideas for my ‘academic’ work? To get this essay done. Now. Please. Get Claire Fox/Foster/Genocide on the phone now. I’d even fit in Ms Margolies’ mumblings into a footnote somewhere, I’m that desperate. That was also one of my favourite Blackadder episodes – I think I must borrow them from the library at some point….

(Actually, while I do incredibly despite the whole Claire Fox/Frank Furedi crew – that’s terribly modern isn’t it, barely yesterday a Leninist vanguard party based in a Canterbury university sociology department, today a ‘crew’, you can’t get much more postmodern than that – it does scare me a bit that they do talk more sense than many other commentators on a great deal of issues. What is going on there? I don’t refer to the issues where they’re being funded by the likes of Monsato, BNFL, Nirex, Shell, or Philip Morris, but more on the general free speech stuff.. I notice Ms Fox/Foster has a ‘programme’ on Tory TV ’18 Doughty Street’. But so does Peter Tatchell, and Dave Osler, my favourite blogger when it comes to politics, is a regular too. I suppose they have to pretend to be ‘balanced’ and ‘objective’.)

12. Karl-Marx-Straße - November 23, 2007

‘despise’ not ‘despite’

13. bowleserised - November 24, 2007

What was that Russian recipe for happiness?

Vodka, bread and wide women?

Vodka, bread and wide The Russian will do, no? ;)

14. rock - November 24, 2007

love train? really?
I’ve missed so much….

15. pleite - November 24, 2007

Rock, damn, I haven’t invented that, have I? (Thought you’d moved for a sec, but see all is still well at Redneckarts.)

B., he is rather wide, there’s no denying it. But where is that Russian recipe for happiness from? They’re wrong on the vodka, of course.

Karl, I’ve had a peek at Doughty Street TV, but where do I find Dave Osler on there? I’ve discovered his blog via yours – look, folks, there’s an attempt by me at being serious chez DZ. I really shouldn’t have written about nipples just when people might come and click on me from chez toi! – so it would be nice to put a face to the name. Peter Tatchell isn’t that good on TV, is he? I like him, though.

16. Karl-Marx-Straße - November 24, 2007

Search there for “Osler”. He doesn’t have his own ‘programme’ (probably not being vain enough, and having things to do, like a ‘proper job’, and occasionally, his kids to look after) but appears as a guest every now and again, tempting me to watch the thing once or twice.

17. Billy - November 25, 2007

Since nipples on men don’t do anything it must surely be possibly to have them anywhere? I’d like mine on my earlobes.

18. pleite - November 25, 2007

Billy, why do we have them, actually (he asks, deciding you are an expert on all matters evolutionary)? Did we lactate ourselves once (he says, getting boyish for a moment and using a very broad we and excluding the ladies)? Or has nature put them there purely for fun? Anyway, I like dissing nature. I mean, we’re well designed to a degree, but we’re not that flipping marvellous. I can’t even fly, for example. But I’m happy nipples exist on men too and think it’s one of nature’s better oversights.

DZ, I did, and found him under that blogging programme. Very good. When I first discovered blogs, I think it was all political ones (by accident, rather than design) and then I somehow got very lethargic on that whole front, especially when I sort of gave up on Belarus and especially after the main Belarusian blogger I read died. Anyway, I can get caught up reading the political ones for hours when I do occasionally click on them these days, especially if it’s one of the ones where people all seem to hate each other, so they have to be very strictly rationed.

19. Karl-Marx-Straße - November 25, 2007

Surely the point of political blogs is because those involved all hate each other? That’s the major part of the fun. Of course, you have to feign friendliness (at first) when beginning, otherwise you don’t get linked to and your comments get deleted. No wonder I can’t bring myself to write much.

20. emma in barcelona - November 26, 2007

I too am wondering about the seating arrangments. What about some of those suction hooks that go on tiles to hang up towels – maybe a cheap alternative and frankly as good as anything a focus group or think tank will come up with.

21. IsarSteve - November 26, 2007

You sit behind him?

At least you’re in the same room…

WE always watch our “Far-seeers” in different rooms.. (by the way, are 3 E’s allowed after each other in English? I know 3F’s one after the other are definitely not allowed in German ! ) :-)

I can’t watch others peoples crap…

22. annie - November 26, 2007

…why do we have them?

Ooh I know, I know! It’s because when we’re in the womb, they develop before we’re determined as a boy or a girl. It’s touch and go there for a minute…
*is inordinately proud of this rare scientific snippet that stuck in non-scientific head*

23. Mr D - November 27, 2007

Touch and go? Certainly sounds like nipples!

24. narrowback - November 27, 2007

I’m with IsarSteve…i’ve found separate tv viewing to be conducive to domestic bliss. could be my fondness for bad japanese horror and war movies but then again it could’ve been the tv tastes of my parters…

BiB, i’m off to your neck of the woods in a week. are we still on for friday?

25. pleite - November 27, 2007

Narrowback, hell yeah. Will get e-mailing any second now just to exchange numbers and all that malarkey again.

Mr D, matron!

Annie, excellent factoid! I think I’m as much as glad that they don’t fall of us embryonic boys even once we have been compartmentalised.

Isar, but we only have one telly, though my beloved can watch TV on his computer, I think. But the internet is our telly, really, and we very much do that apart as there’s no sharing the net. I can’t think of 3-e words in English, but I thought the new Rechtschreibung allowed Schifffahrt, or has that been abandoned? I am completely post-daß.

Emma, hello! So sorry we couldn’t see you when you were here. Blame my mother… and, anyway, we expect you back soon. Hmmm. Artificial nips. I’d have to be very drunk to convince myself they were almost as good as the real thing.

DZ, oh, I’m scared of all that. If it ever got nasty or someone insulted me, I’d have to cry. Plus I don’t know anything about anything. Though I DID dare comment on a pro-Lukashenka post recently and anyone who reacted disagreed but it all stayed civilised. I’ve fallen silent before someone calls me something.

26. MountPenguin - November 27, 2007

If I recall correctly, since the reform of the reform three f’s (sic) are still allowed, the two-f version is now acceptable again on weekdays and in newspapers with a “Feuilleton” section.

27. IsarSteve - November 27, 2007

Penguin, totally OT, but what is the correct form these days for i.e. Schloßstraße.

Should it now be Schlossstrasse… that’s really too many s’s for an English tongue to get around…

28. MountPenguin - November 27, 2007

I saw a newspaper article a few months ago listing the street names which are now incorrectly spelt, I think Schloßssstraßsse was one of them.

The hairdressers in my building offers a “Nassschnitt”. Looks terrible.(the word, I mean).

29. Arabella - November 28, 2007

Nipple. It’s a funny word. I prefer tipple.

30. narrowback - November 28, 2007

BiB…sent you an email with my berlin contact info…

31. pleite - November 29, 2007

Narrowback, all received safe and sound. See you for beer and cigarette-envy next week!

Arabella, it’s not a good word, is it? But I think I like nipples and tipples equally well.

Penguin, there’s been reform reform? I thought Nassschnitt was a nose-cut for a sec.

Isar, the abbreviation OT, which I hadn’t seen before, managed to keep me distracted and work-free for a good few hours. Thank you! More anti-work conundrums please!

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