jump to navigation

Future perfect October 1, 2007

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.

Or is it perfect future? Is there a future imperfect? Or future conditional?

Anyway, I’m through with the past. It’s all about the future now. I have turned 93 so it’s time to get with this living business. Any minute now I’m going to get me a job. I’m telling you, the future’s going to be as bright as the Bikini Atoll.

Erm, any ideas where I start, people?

To get me inspired, I’ve got out me tapes and I’m going to listen to all my inspirational hits. Any song that gets used on a BBC musical medley accompaniment, I’m going to have it on. I’ll probably play Daddy Cool. And Break Out by Swing Out Sister. There’d better be a good few songs by M People. And then that Everybody Hurts one by REM to remind me that it isn’t all sweetness and light. No, as our Slavic brothers say, there’s no happiness without suffering. I’m gonna keep in touch with my inner REM, but things are going to get pretty bloody M People round here. We’re gonna be Movin’ On Up – yes, with an effing apostrophe – and, why the bugger not, there’ll probably be a bit of getting excited and heart-opening too.

Hmm, dark outside, isn’t it?



1. William Thirteen - October 2, 2007

ah yes…through with the past…i love that feeling – so fresh, so light…unfortunately the past never seems to be through with me and invevitably, just as i begin to ‘get this party started’ there is a knock, knock, knock. a tap, tap tapping, a gentle rapping upon my chamber door….

2. Valerie in San Diego - October 2, 2007

Yipes, you’re not, like, my age, are you? I think your solution to the midlife crisis (listen to lots of music) is the best one. Definitely better than moping and reading job listings, which is mostly where I’ve been lately.

3. marshaklein - October 2, 2007

How funny! I’ve been using The Drifters, with a little Patsy Cline thrown in to remind me that life is often a bit pants. Any day now I’ll be taking control of my life and changing it for the better. Perhaps a bit of M People might be what I need to finally make that leap…?

Time to break free. Nothing can stop me.


4. KMS - October 2, 2007

A DJ in an “After-Work-Klub” ? Perhaps in the Speicher (“Dance ´n More”)? I would have suggested DJing in Wlad Kaminer’s “Rodina”, but it has closed with a ….opposite of a bang….a squish? It’s now the new home of “Music Hall”, not a Flanders and Swann society, but the place which only plays Depeche Mode, which used to be in an old Kaufhalle on the Storkower Straße.

5. pleite - October 2, 2007

DZ, Rodina has already gone out with a squish? Is Herr Kaminer finally losing his lustre? Have I told you – no, I haven’t. Alzheimer’s or no Alzheimer’s – how I was in a homo-establishment not long ago with three other foreign queens, two of whom couldn’t be expected to know Vlad but one who could, and I INSISTED, with full drunken vigour, that Vlad was sitting at the next table, on his own. On the pull, in other words. Without Olga’s knowledge. Eventually one of the non-Vlad-knowing friends forced me to go and talk to him. I started a drunken Russian spiel… and he was Robert, a sociologist from Mainz. By the way, there’s an excellently tacky-looking local disco called Esplanade just round the corner from me. Blood often to be seen on the street the next morning and more hair-dye than you can shake a stick at.

Marsha, that’s the spirit. But I see you go with the full -ing, rather than an -in’, when reappraisin’ your life. I’ve got a feelin’ the apostrophe version might be even jazzier. Just sayin’. And why has Patsy Cline instantly made me think of Bobby Vinton? Though I like remembering Blue Velvet as it reminds me of something else the Russian and I disagreed wholeheartedly on.

Valerie, that’s it! That’s where I’ve been going wrong. I want a job – except I don’t really. But I’ve got to pretend for decency’s sake – but I HAVEN’T been looking at the job listings. But, yes, I suppose it’s mid-life crisis time. There being a word for it makes me feel normal, so that’s good. I think.

William, bugger. The ghost of past… er… past. It just won’t leave us in peace, will it? Mind you, we don’t want to go too year-zero either, do we? I don’t know a single thing about rice, apart from how to cook it, and I mostly get that wrong. So the next time the ghost of past past comes knocking, tapping and rapping, I say bundle him into a sack, like they probably used to in Scooby Doo, and keep the bastard hostage.

6. marshaklein - October 2, 2007

I hear what you’re sayin’ and I’m likin’ your style! But what is this?:

“…as it reminds me of something else the Russian and I disagreed wholeheartedly on.”

Has there been a disagreement since the Russian’s return? What was the “Blue Velvet” disagreement about? Why DOES Patsy Cline remind you of Bobby Vinton?

Apologies for the pokin’ and pryin’, but I’m sittin’ here goin’ outta my head crazy with boredom.

7. pleite - October 2, 2007

Patsy and Bobby must have nestled alongside each other in the ex’s tape collection, I reckon. Are they even rough contemporaries? Anyway, I think the Russian thought I was a pervert for liking Blue Velvet, which I might have only made myself like to annoy him. I meant to make a post out of it a hundred years ago, and did comment that it was the first ‘clever’ film I saw in the cinema, when I was about 16 – all thanks to the ex. He made me read Catcher in the Rye at the same time – but couldn’t be bothered. But, no, nothing major with the Russian. Just the crystal-clear reminder that we have a much nicer time together when we’re about 3000km apart.

Right, Bobby and Patsy have made me get out my Dusty tape. It features the following apostrophed marvels: Wishin’ and Hopin’, Your Hurtin’ Kinda Love, Some of Your Lovin’, Goin’ Back. I’m livid to see, in the very same compilation: Losing You and I’ll Try Anything. Was there a fuckin’ editorial policy or wasn’t there?

8. marshaklein - October 2, 2007

Bobby Vinton b. 1935
Patsy Cline b.1932 d.1963

PC died, spookily, nine months before my birth and I have been known to joke that I am PC, reincarnated, as our singing voices are similar. All hogwash, of course, but even so I always avoid light aircraft, just in case (sorry! Is that too sick?)

I’m lovin’ Dusty. Gimme that sweet soul music.

God, I’m bored.

9. KMS - October 2, 2007

YOu seem to have a thing about that “Esplanade” place. Perhaps you (we?) should go and check it out for an investigative blog post? Or maybe not. Ach, doch.

10. pleite - October 2, 2007

DZ, I would be petrified to go in, although I went into the establishment downstairs, probably owned by the same people, which is a Soviet-style café with very uncomfortable chairs that must have been a trendy design in 1983, to celebrate receiving the keys for the first hovel we lived in in Berlin which was just round the corner. The Russian saw a sex-act being perpetrated just outside by two very dyed-blond and tanned-orange customers on one fateful night. Anyway, I think it’s very much Berlin’s answer to Ritzy’s in Ruislip/Newcastle-under-Lyme/any-town-in-the-UK-with-a-club
-called-Ritzy’s. Can’t we send in a crack undercover-journalist team to do the docu instead?

Marsha, I’m sittin’ at the computer just waitin’ for life to happen around me. Any minute now. Any minute now.

11. Ben - October 2, 2007

Have you heard Placebo cover ‘Daddy Cool’? It’s pretty glammy (good). Can’t find it online at the moment, leider. Hey, hope yr hangover’s gone ;-) you know, the one you had eight days ago. See ya round, Ben

12. engelsk - October 2, 2007

Is it bad of me to spend the whole afternoon with my browser open on this website: http://www.serenatamobile.com/ The phone it’s trying to flog looks very retro, but the music’s great (in an atmospheric and slightly depressing jazzy kind of way).

I think it’s great music to do other stuff to. Or not. Whichever you prefer.

13. KMS - October 2, 2007

Romford had one once, I think.

“two very dyed-blond and tanned-orange customers”
Gary Davies and… his Doppelgänger boyfriend? What a nasty image – two Mr. Davies’, having sex with each other. Anyway, isn’t Esplanade otherwise just full of those swish plattenbau-villas which used to be embassies?

14. pleite - October 2, 2007

DZ, we don’t have homosexuals in Pankow! We like to keep Iranian-style order up here. We leave public homosexual acts to Friedrichshain. In Pankow, the two very dyed-blond and tanned-orange doggers cover both sexes. And, yes, Esplanade is full of those funny cube-houses. The excellent nite-spot is actually stealing the street’s good name to big itself up. It’s on the rather prosaically named Berlinerstr. itself.

Engelsk, no, we have to avail of whatever gets us through the day, as long as it’s legal. No, as long as it doesn’t harm others. God, I just absolutely fancy some serious substance abuse right this instant, but haven’t got a drop of booze or nicotine in the house. Well, there is booze, but none that I’d like to abuse. Fuck it. Maybe I’ll go and pour myself a gin.

Ben, I haven’t, but will keep my ears peeled for it. But which hangover was that eight days ago? They rather tend to run into each other these days. And now that we’re in a new month, it’s much too hard to work out what the date was way back then. But, yes, hope to see you soon!

15. KMS - October 2, 2007

No homosexuals in Pankow? All post-op transexuals, like in Iran? Gary Davies as a woman?

16. pleite - October 3, 2007

Is Gary Davies that Radio 1 DJ? But how can you remember him? You must have been 3 at his heyday. Is he still going strong? I remember he had a jingle with the sound ‘ooh’ in it a lot. But he wasn’t blond, was he? And was he a whoopsy? I never knew. Gosh, I’m having depressing flashbacks to thinking Steve Wright was funny.

17. marshaklein - October 3, 2007

Ooh, Gary Davies
Ooh, Gary Davies
Ooh, Gary Davies
On your ray-dee-oh!

They don’t write them like that any more (thank God!)

I used to think Steve Wright was funny when I was a student. You at least had the excuse of still being at primary school, surely?

18. pleite - October 3, 2007

Secondary, I reckon. Although I still remember him talking about one Miss World contest or some glamorous event or other and saying that one woman was wearing, ‘a gownless evening-strap,’ and I remember that both my brother and I guffawed like nobody’s business.

No-one, but no-one must claim that they liked Dave Lee Travis. Or Mike Read.

19. marshaklein - October 3, 2007

OK, I won’t then.

Or Peter Powell.

Gary Davies called his show his “bit in the middle”

Oh, how we (didn’t) laugh.

20. pleite - October 3, 2007

My ex swore at Peter Powell once. Either in a lift or he leaned out of his car especially to do so. (He has two celebrity swears. Peter Powell and Jools Holland. Can’t remember who was in the lift and who the car.) Drink had probably featured (on the lift occasion).

21. marshaklein - October 3, 2007

I like your ex more and more.

22. pleite - October 3, 2007

There’s also a story with Denholm Elliott and a supermarket in Camden or Kentish Town. Something about putting on a ludicrous London accent and hollering, “‘ere, Denholm, I fink you’re fuckin’ blindin’,” or something like that.

A school-pal and I once saw Denholm Elliott on Bond Street tube station (Jubilee Line platform, northbound) and giggled something at him. He smiled shyly but urbanely. Which was more than Griff Rhys Jones could manage when he had the misfortune to sit with a gaggle of my classmates (Holland Park, Central Line, westbound) and me and was asked by Michael R_, who went on to great things, so his ballsiness stood him in good stead, “Are you, er, what’s-his-name?” What’s-his-name could hardly muster a shy yes. Honestly, the stars of the mid-80s. No wonder he was so rubbish on that thing Clive Anderson presented.

23. KMS - October 3, 2007

“Ooh” Gary Davies. What a twat (apologies for the sexism). We didn’t have a radio in our house (or, we only had *one* radio in our house), which was either tuned to Radio 4 Long Wave for Woman’s Hour, in the afternoon (as it once was) while the ironing was done, or LBC at night for Robbie Vincent’s phone-ins. I became first aware of “Steve Wright In The Afternoon” in a minibus on the way home from school at the age of about 12 and made a mental note never to attempt to listen to Radio 1, apart from maybe sometimes the Top 40 (Bruno Brookes). And then they all got sacked, apart from Annie Nightingale (who turned out to be about 75) and replaced by the staff of GLR (including Danny Baker). Hahaha. And Radio 1 became the best radio station ever (except for the Danny Baker bit), for about 2 years, when the BBC decided to go for ratings over street cred (amongst the populations of Manchester and Hoxton). Matthew Bannister, you are a Radio God.

Anyway, I have a nasty image of Ooh Gary Davies’ orange-skinned face (orange-skinned face?) presenting Top Of The Pops in around 1987 every time I walk past one of those nasty sunbed places; and I think I deserve compensation from the BBC. Get me Marmaduke Hussey’s telephone number.

Wikipedia: “The famous “Ooh Gary Davies on your radio” jingle, was by 80s band The Kane Gang and was developed into the Byker Grove theme tune for BBC Television”

I’m not convinced(MP3, starts at 0:35). But this reminds me why I don’t want to have to work in a factory or shop where you’re forced to listen to music radio, and how crap the mid-80s were. I blame Thatcher.

24. pleite - October 3, 2007

Christ, I’ve just had an epileptically bad flashback to adolescence, with flat-tops, stonewashed jeans and everything. I think I’ve conflated Steve Wright and Kenny Everett in my head. Wasn’t Kenny a DJ to start with too?

I had a period of addiction to those LBC late-night phone-ins, though I can’t remember why. I had a girlfriend – don’t laugh – when I was about 17 – I think we met twice, which consisted mostly of me trying to avoid anything vaguely sexual – and she was less than impressed that I wanted to listen to LBC as night fell rather than get busy with her. Oh god. The shame of it all. My apologies for even mentioning it. (Oh god. I even went to her sister’s wedding. The shame. The shame.)

25. KMS - October 3, 2007

You were probably listening to Phillip Hodson’s programme for and with people with “Emotional, personal or sexual problems”, the nearest thing to porn available in Britain at the time, pre- and post- Channel 4’s “Red Triangle”, and maybe just hoping for a caller to bring up the “I’ve got a girlfriend but don’t want to have sex with her but would rather listen to Babs in Bermondsey under the duvet instead” theme, so you wouldn’t have to explain it yourself. I prefer the shipping forecast.

26. pleite - October 3, 2007

I like the shipping forecast, of course, but enjoyment of it is ruined for me by constantly being terrified that the announcer is going to fumble his/her diction. Which he/she inevitably does. But then I suppose it must be quite difficult to read for 12 minutes without a single fumble.

I remember from some late-night listening that a woman rang in to talk at great length about her bad breath, although perhaps I’ve conflated – non-stop conflation at the mo – that with another phone-in. I hope that’s not what my unfumbled-with girlfriend was exposed to.

27. Marsha Klein - October 3, 2007

From the Gary Davies wiki article:

“In 1992, Davies quit the lunchtime show and moved to weekend breakfast, keeping a selection of the features. He also started a Sunday late night “no frills” slot, with the music taking over, and this was regarded as easily his best radio work.”

Can I be the first to say “No shit?”

I also see from googling the orange-faced one’s name that he’s now presenting The Album Chart Show on Real Radio – an Edinburgh-based,commercial station whose transmitter seems to be pointing straight at our bedroom. For years we were tormented by Radio 4 suddenly switching to Real, especially as it was seemingly unswitchbackable. Their output was such unmitigated shite that we had to buy a digital radio to overcome the problem. It was that or move house.

“Byker Grove” has given me a flashback all of my own of sitting in the Metro Centre, Gateshead (where we’d gone because Edinburgh didn’t, at that time, have an Ikea. Imagine!) eating pizza to the sound of our children shouting “Ant and Dec” “Byker Grove, man” in the worst Geordie accents imaginable.

People write blog posts that are shorter than this comment.

28. pleite - October 4, 2007

Has radio gone digital too now then, in addition to cameras and television? Mind you, I only ever listen to the wireless on the internet, so can’t claim to be too out-of-date with the radio business.

The Russian has a stereo-thing in ‘his’ room and I fiddled with it yesterday as I hung out the washing and realised it had a radio too. I listened to some German Radio 1 for ten seconds. Pure pus. And jingles.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: