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Ich bin ein Baum October 2, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
Darlings, I keep fucking dressing as a tree. Luckily, I don’t have a barnet that members of the bird kingdom mistake for foliage, otherwise I could be in serious trouble. But I don’t know if this is a sign of age or me wanting to blend in with my environment, but I have undeniably begun to wear colours that could only be called earthy. All greens and browns. If I had an oilskin jacket and a rifle slung over one shoulder, I’d cut quite a dash at any Countryside Alliance march.

I suppose I most resemble a poplar. Though I don’t emit that allergy-inducing wool. Much.

It’s no fun looking like a tree. I blame the neighbours. Keeping up with the Schmidts, if you will. I helped a friend move to a funky new flat in the funky area down the road yesterday. The streets were resplendent with funky types who bore no resemblance to poplar, ash or London plane. We were rewarded at a café at the end of his new funky street. I cringed as I wandered in at the mover’s side like a dim child on a school outing. Everyone looked like a member of some revolutionary movement or other. The men looked as if they took part in group sex sessions at least once a week. The women looked like Sinead O’Connor with jobs. Everyone slunk around coolly. I lolloped around like a new-born giraffe and then sought refuge in cigarettes in an attempt at coolness but accidentally lit the filter of my most public fag.

I wandered home having taken my leave of the assorted moving party… I crossed the border from funky area back to this backwater. The average age shot up from 34 to 90 (according to a Gallup poll. Margin of error: +/-3%). The average weight shot up from 65kg to 120. Jeans were replaced by pressed trousers and dinner-lady costumes. Hochdeutsch changed to Berlinese. Healthy complexions changed to blotch. Brad Pitt changed into Arthur Mullard.

No wonder I’ve turned into a fucking tree in this desert. I need to get where it’s at.



1. Bowleserised - October 2, 2006

Baummer, man.


2. patroclus - October 2, 2006

I see nothing wrong with wearing autumnal colours, in fact I do it all the time, even in Other Seasons. The funky bit of Berlin sounds terribly wearying, a bit like Hackney. I don’t know where it’s at in the ‘real’ world any more (if indeed I ever did). It’s probably not the arse end of Shepherd’s Bush, but I’m going to be 36 on Saturday and I don’t think I care any more. Does this help?

3. taigathefox - October 2, 2006

Oh, I saw a sort of a tree man yesterday. He was standing at the park, wearing a quite horrible grey/white camouflage outfit.
(Happily the dog knew the difference between a man and a birch…)

4. BiB - October 2, 2006

B., baummer indeed. I need to go and buy a pink wardrobe.

Pats, I turned 36 on Friday. Aren’t you chuffed to bollocks to be a last-year-of-‘O’-Levels person? Berlin is tryingly cool at times, though I still think I’d rather the men looked like Brad than Arthur.

Taiga, perkele, a Finn. Uskomatonta! Tervetuloa. Kirjoita nopeasti taas, or something. And telepathically send me some fresh Helsinki air.

5. BiB - October 3, 2006

Wynders, I’m a great believer in recycling. I was rather relying on any readers having memories like sieves. Dolph has indeed been mentioned, and even depicted photographically, before. (I accidentally caught a second of the Rocky film with him in it on TV yesterday. Must be why. He looked quite a dish, but for the flat-top, which I’m sure never existed in the Soviet Union anyway.)

6. Blonde at Heart - October 2, 2006

Trees are back in fashion. Or not. but looking like a tree is better than a failed fashion statement, or looking like an olive leaf (me a year ago in uniform). I still cannot wear khaki, even if it a cool garment.

7. BiB - October 2, 2006

BAH, say more about military service. Was it hell, or pleasant enough? Did it make you as fit as a fiddle (or were you that already)? Anyone I know who’s done military service (apart from Russians) in the modern era, including gay men, have said it was perfectly fine. Although I remember a gent in Paris who greatly disapproved of the fashion for khaki.

8. Wyndham - October 2, 2006

Look, I’ve thought long and hard about what I could comment on this post but the sad thing is that I can’t say I’ve ever worn khaki or green very much. However, brown is my colour of choice on my underpants. I’ve gone through my wardrobe and it’s all blue and black and orange. Orange is my favourite colour ever and I find myself alarmingly attracted to it. Annoyingly, it’s also very fashionable this season, so they tell me. So, yes, orange. But no green.

9. BiB - October 2, 2006

But did you dash to Ukraine to participate in your favourite colour revolution? (Mind you, you’d have needed a visa, unless you miraculously happen to have a Ukrainian passport.) I’m not sure I’ve ever had an orange garment. The Russian had some khaki strides at one point, as he decided they made him look like Dolph Lundgren. Once, when we had no clean clothes, I had to put them on and venture out of the house in them. I looked an utter arse.

10. Wyndham - October 2, 2006

I just want to be clear here, it’s not like I look like something out of Play Away. We’re talking mostly accessories: scarves, bags, etc. Although I do have an orange cagool – an incredibly expensive cagool. Which is orange. Orange has to be worn sparingly. I know that. Yes.

11. Wyndham - October 3, 2006

By the way, this is all getting like deja vu. I think we’ve discussed Dolph Lundgren before. I said he had an impossibly high IQ or something. The only other thing I know about Dolph is that he split up with Grace Jones because she would smear herself in this colouring that gave her that Black Panther look, trouble is, it all came off on the white sheets, and, presumably, Dolph, and he had enough of being covered with boot polish. As you would.

12. BiB - October 3, 2006

The ex and I – this is when I was rich – had decorators in to do up the new pad. The ex made all the decisions, as I was only a hanger-on really, but we somehow came up with orange for the hall. And it turned out very orange indeed. I remember the decoratrix saying, “It’s going to be very orange.” And it fucking was. As orange as orange could be. Nice though. And, I’m happy to say from whenever it was I was last in that flat, the hall is still as orange as ere it was.

(I refuse to believe a heterosexual man with a child has an orange BAG.)

13. Blonde at Heart - October 3, 2006

About the army, well, I came there all trained (I practiced hard for a month before it) only to discover basic training is a laughing stock (I was in the platoon destined to become desk jockeys and the like, so no major physical fitness was required). My service was really fun. Lovely people with a commander we all loved to hate.

14. Bowleserised - October 3, 2006

I have to say that I know a heterosexual man and soon-to-be Dad who loves orange too.

I can’t wear sage greens, but that’s because of my old school uniform, rather than my days in the French Foreign Legion.

15. BiB - October 3, 2006

I didn’t think of the Freudian undertones of my dressing as a tree being redolent of nothing more than my disappointment at not having a military past. I need to see a shrink.

BAH, the beautiful friend (tbf) was a waiter for his military service, and I think it was all perfectly good fun.

B., don’t think I believe that obfuscation for a second. I’m sure you HAVE served in the French Foreign Legion. Actually, an old friend of mine really DID join the French Foreign Legion and I now have no idea what’s become of him. He was a touch on the barking side, between you and me. He grew up in Northern Ireland, but I don’t know if that’s what started his fascination with all things military. Or whether it was a colour-thing.

16. Bowleserised - October 3, 2006

My school uniform was so hideous that it condemned all who wore it to a fate far worse than the French Foreign Legion.

17. BiB - October 3, 2006

My sisters were condemned to a purple school uniform for five years, and I think had, “Purple virgins,” hollered at them throughout. Boys in England seem to have got off fairly lightly on this front, even if our school tie did guarantee getting picked on by ruffians from the local school WITHOUT A UNIFORM (have you ever heard of anything so common?). As I stood waiting for a bus at Notting Hill Gate one day, a GIRL asked me if I wanted to have a fight. Miraculously, the bus appeared at that very second. One of the happiest moments of my life.

18. Bowleserised - October 4, 2006

Oh, nobody asked me. I just got punched in the head and spat on.

19. Blonde at Heart - October 4, 2006

Thankfully, school uniforms entered the Israeli education system after I left. Now, my sister’s uniform include the school symbol on the back, so even when your back is turned one can know which school you attends and decide if one wants a fight or not.

20. leon - October 4, 2006

My school uniform was largely black and red (perhaps we were secretly a part of the Federacion Anarquista Iberica). I always came down on the black-sweater side of the fence, mainly as it reflected my mood in the dreadful inferno of disciplinary problems my school proved to be.

My brother, after an erosion of parental socialist principles, went to a public school (cheers, parents) but did have to wear something that made him look like an ice-cream salesman or holiday camp attendant. Something I reminded him of at every available opportunity.

21. BiB - October 4, 2006

B., I think I managed to get through school mostly unbeaten-up, although a girl did once hit me in primary school – she was huge and scary – in a case of mistaken identity. I was livid. (So probably cried and hid in a corner.)

BAH, this seems like a very bad design move. Russian schools are numbered, and I think the uniform is neutral – or was in Soviet days. I think uniforms have largely been done away with now – which seems a good way of anonymising folk.

Leon, have your parents paid you the sum they spent on your brother’s education as compensation? Is he now Prime Minister, or being annoyingly successful? By the way, I have noticed, and greatly enjoyed, as ever, your latest post.

22. BiB - October 5, 2006

I shall look forward to reading it.

I don’t have any siblings in politics either. I did have a friend who was very involved in politics at the local level. New Labour S_, I began calling him, which he was none too impressed by. Awfully dishy, mind. (And nice and kind.)

23. leon - October 5, 2006

Thanks! There’s another one part-written too…

No compensation for me, though my brother’s career so far has been even more lacklustre than mine. The thought of him being Prime Minster is actually terrifying.

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