jump to navigation

Love and marriage September 20, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
Tags: ,

I’m off to the farthest-flung (and most hotly contested) corners of our kingdom for a wedding any minute now. As ever, there’s last minute panic in the BiB household. I have resisted the urge to accidentally machine-wash my passport, will soon finger through my small wardrobe and try to find something resembling a suit to wear, will do likewise for shoes, and am about to consider the present-buying and flight-booking chapters of the whole shebang. Plus there’s a scrap of work to finish and I’d rather like to meet two different sets of people for a last-minute drinkette this evening. Fuck, and I need a haircut. And a shave. And I suppose I have to water the plants. And clean up the flat in case the Russian secretly has spy-cameras wired up and will check out the place when I’m away. And… and everything.

So I need to blog to calm myself down.

The wedding, and the stag-do that preceded it, must have got me thinking. Yet, previously, I hadn’t given marriage much of a thought. The stag-boys, showing their best gay-friendly credentials and understanding that almost seven years sounds like ever in the relationship stakes, asked when the Russian and I were planning to get married. “Um, never,” I answered, not because I wouldn’t like to, but just because, well, I supposed I’m not used to the idea yet. I have nothing against the idea. It might possibly even very much help the Russian to get a more secure residential status in this bureaucratic paradise.

“Darling, are you chattable-to anywhere on the internet?” I asked in answer to a late-night e-mail from the Russian, still bubbling with pride at his driving-test success. “ICQ,” he answered. It’s the in chat-medium in the former Soviet Union. Downloaded the bastard. Got myself a number. Closed pop-ups for three hours. Switched off the speakers as the foghorn that accompanies the programme’s opening is likely to cause a neighbourly incident. And finally found the Russian.

“Darling, do you think we should get homo-married?”

“Oh, yes. You could put a dishwasher on the top of the wedding list and then you’d never have to do anything ever again,” came the reply. “What’s your favourite Kylie song?”

“Shocked… But I wouldn’t want a list.”

“Shocked’s shit. The Locomotion is better. But your mum would want to buy you something.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want to invite anyone, ” I went on. “We’d just pop to the Rathaus in Pankow, bung one of the people from the 100%-long-term-unemployment house across the road 100 euros to be a witness and Bob’s your uncle.”

“What, you wouldn’t tell anyone we were behusbanded?” came a surprisingly tender reply from a snow-decked apartment-building near the Urals.

“Oh, I’d say we’d registered ourselves somewhere and that it was no big deal. Or do you want a big, fuck-off cake and dress? And your mum there?”

“I want a big, fuck-off, white BMW.”

I looked for Kylie on YouTube.

“In Your Eyes is all right.”

“I like that la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la one.”

“Darling, do you think we should get married? Do you miss me? Or is life actually much nicer when we’re in different countries?”

“Better the Devil You Know.”


“Life’s shit here. Berlin’s spoiled me. Life’s better there.”

“So do you think we should get homo-married?”

“It’s a very serious matter. I shall think over your proposal,” he said, deciding humour was called for, and using the polite form.

“Or do you think we should get divorced instead?” I proffered, not liking to leave any avenue unexplored.

“No, I think we’re doomed to each other now,” came the reassuring reply.

I’ll have a mortgage before you know it.



1. Bowleserised - September 20, 2006

Awwww, this post gave me a warm, fuzzy feeling. I’m in the right mood to go and watch my friend get married this weekend.

2. BiB - September 20, 2006

If I ever get civil-partnershipped or gay-married or whatever it’s called, I would like the occasion to cause as few nervous breakdowns and bankruptcies as possible, but this is the price we pay for living in a mobile age when friends end up all over the place. I still shudder to think I went to NZ for a wedding. The extravagance! I am already fantasising about ceremony – me in big meringue – and reception being in one place, so none of this being ferried about by coach malarkey. The lesbian wedding I was uninvited to this summer decided to take the no-fuss thing a bit TOO far and asked guests to bring their own food. I might be willing to stretch to a few sarnies and a nice big cauldron of tea. Do you want to be my witnessess? I’ll give you 100 euros.

3. Tim Footman - September 20, 2006

You’re both wrong. It’s ‘What Do I Have To Do?’

And I’m a music journalist, y’know.

4. Blonde at Heart - September 20, 2006

Though this is indeed a serious matter, it made me laugh out loud (strange looks from people in the office). Good luck anyway. Do you really want to get married? Isn’t what you have enough? If you get married and then want to break up it is a lot harder. Lots of ugly legal stuff.

5. Bowleserised - September 20, 2006

I don’t want to be a witness. I want to be a bridesmaid. I’ve never been a bridesmaid. All my tall friends chose tiny children as attendants, and my short friends don’t want me looming over them in cerise/maroon/turquoise. I want to be a bridesmaid!

6. chendaberry - September 20, 2006

yes, you definitely want b looming over you in cerise – that is a good picture! i read in ‘in touch’ today (shitest magazine on the planet. oh no, there’s that heat thing in england, isn’t there?) that we-love-berlin-brangalina (or whatever it is they’re called) are refusing to get married until homo marriages are legal. as are various other stars that i obviously haven’t heard of. can’t be more detailed than that i’m afraid because i never bother doing more than read the headlines and look at the pics of britney, paris and whoever else looking fat. but there you go.

7. BiB - September 20, 2006

Darlings, shall we organise the first blog-organised wedding? It could be a nice surprise for the Russian when he gets back. I quite fancy a Jewish wedding, though neither the Russian or I is Jewish, but nobody would mind if we did a bit of glass-smashing. I’ll ask Mike if we can combine it with a Stammtisch…

Tim, meet Ed. Ed, meet Tim, although I’m not sure if Ed is a Kylie fan. Tim, you’re right that What Do I Have to Do is a corker, and I’ve already added it to my youtube favourites. I’ll get back to you when the Russian comments. And I’m glad to see military coups haven’t made you lose sight of the important things. Kylie transcends EVERYTHING.

BAH, well, we’ve sort of jokingly skated over the marriage topic before. In a way, there’s no need. But then there are benefits, if we’re being cold-bloodedly practical about it. He’d – I’m guessing – have more working rights, a more secure status, be able to be more ‘normal’ here. But when I’m in a romantic mood, when I haven’t seen him for three weeks – funny that – it seems the natural (in a very modern way) next step, which is a bit oddly frighteningly ordinary. Expect the idea to go onto the back burner when he gets back and we start arguing about the position of things in the fridge again.

B., Chen, you’re both shoe-ins for big cerise meringues – mmm, lecker – but the Russian and I are going to be in full drag, on 2-foot heels and in vanilla meringues. We can’t be out-meringued on our wedding day. (Chen, what is/are Brangalina?)

8. Ed Ward - September 20, 2006

First off, I have never knowingly heard a Kylie song. I think for that I can claim to have had a guardian angel.

Second, “The Locomotion” is a Little Eva song, written by the teenaged married couple she used to babysit for, Gerry Goffin and Carole King.

Third, if you need a preacher for the wedding, I’m a Universal Life Church pastor (pastor-schein obtained for a dollar in a 1966 attempt to dodge the draft) and have conducted two marriages, one 36 years ago (defunct as of two years ago — not a bad run, all things considered — and the other as co-preacher with the late, great Randy “Biscuit” Turner (although I was the only legal member of the clergy and signed the wedding certificate), which marriage is still intact and loving. As we say in the States, your batting average would be great with me as officiator. Plus, I’ve never done a gay wedding, and should have it on my spiritual CV.

But as long as there’s a good party, hey, my services are optional. That’s one of the tenets of my congregation.

9. BiB - September 20, 2006

Ed, I am unsure whether to count your Kylie-free status as a blessing or not. I suppose so, although heterosexual males and lesbians are said to get rather excited by her videos. Perhaps you could check her out on youtube and turn down the volume.

I shall certainly consider your preaching abilities. Would you make it all hellfire and brimstone? As soon as I get the Russian’s consent, I reckon this could be an all-blog wedding, with a couple of Russians (and former SU types) thrown in for good measure.

10. Bowleserised - September 21, 2006

1) Yes, yes, yes, We need Ed to preside over it all

2) If you provide the meringue, I’m there. I actualy did a course once on how to be a drag queen, so I’ll be up to speed.

3) a lesbiarian couple of my acquaintance are planning on getting married – they will both dress as Princess Leia. Discuss.

4) apart from the na-na-na song, my favourite Kylie choon is the moody indie one with the technicolour video. What was it? Something about telephones. Confide in Me. That’s it. And also many more that I just found on You Tube.
Make the most of her though, as I understand – through my impeccable sources – that despite recent glad tidings she may not be long for this world. Terribyl sad.

11. Bowleserised - September 21, 2006

One should never post when drunk.




12. BiB - September 21, 2006

A million apologies for not being able to Stammtisch. Too frantic. Have just purchased flight and present with the fiancé’s credit card. No shame.

No! I thought Kylie was on the road to recovery. I’ve got ‘Love at First Sight’ going on youtube to help with the franticity.

13. Bowleserised - September 21, 2006

I really hope my sources are wrong. I’ve liked Kylie ever since I heard a journalist recount a time he’d been interviewing her, and she let rip a little fart. Without missing a beat she said, “Did you just hear a fairy sigh?” And all was well.

Stammtisch was fun, but not fun enough without you. Have fun in the counties!

14. chendaberry - September 21, 2006

Okay, it’s Brangelina and I can’t spell, even though I wasn’t drunk like B… (…always is hehehe) – would post you a link but don’t know how to so you’ll just have to google. Or maybe it’ll work, who knows:


15. Ed Ward - September 21, 2006

I think Lesbitarian is a word that’s been waiting to be born, and thank you for it. I’ll use it just as soon as I can think of a definition. Hmmm, maybe belledame22 will know…

16. BiB - September 21, 2006

Can’t believe I’ve managed to get online in the kingdom, stealing someone else’s broadband. So excited am I, in fact, I can’t think of what to say.

B., Teuteronomy and I were on the same flight, which is much the most exciting thing that’s happened to me this millennium.

Chen, I can’t do anything as complicated as cutting and pasting without a mouse. I loathe this shitty little laptop, truth be told. But have to slightly love it today because it’s allowed me to get online (and finish the bit of work I have to finish, drone).

Ed, I will struggle to find out who belledame22 is until I’m safely back in the Bundesrepublik next week, presuming I make it back from the kingdom alive. (Updated: Oh, I see now.)

17. Bowleserised - September 22, 2006

Lesbitarian is the favourite term of a good Lesbitarian friend of mine (the one who plans to get married dressed as Princess Leia). She likes to say she is a member of the Church of Lesbitaria.

BiB: how brilliant! I got your text, but tragically had no credit on my handy. Off to my wedding now. Ta ra!

18. daggi - September 23, 2006

Standesamt Wedding would be the obvious place for your soon-to-occur ceremony. Unfortunately, since becoming part of Mitte, it doesn’t exist anymore, the Bezirksamt failing to note the money-making potential in that part of the borough.

19. GreatSheElephant - September 23, 2006

awwww too. You must invite me although I insist on not being a bridesmaid which is a miserable job – you haven’t missed anything at all bowleserised

20. Welshy - September 24, 2006

At my brother’s wedding my now sister in law dressed me as a medieval barmaid. Seriously. And it wasn’t a flattering medieval barmaid’s outfit either (not that I’m sure one of those exists). And the skirt fell apart and I had to pin it all day. I think she hates me.
On a happier note, when my best mate ever got married I got to wear a gorgeous dress that made me look ultra elegant; got to dance with ushers and people; and got to drink absolutely masses of champagne.
Just pick your getting-married couple carefully if you’re going to do the maiding thing and you’ll be fine…

21. Neil @ In Actual Fact - September 26, 2006

Oh BiB,
last wedding I went to was in 6-county-land. Full of mad uni-friends who were shocked that I’d flown to Dublin from Stuttgart and hired a Free State car to drive up in – and then the Presbyterian buggers had a dry wedding. “Let’s toast the bride and groom with sparkling apple juice!” they said. Thankfully, I was able to drive to buy booze three times before one of the accompanying ushers was kneecapped – but that sort of thing’s bound to happen if he normally shopped at Tesco and I made him buy at Sainsbury’s, I suppose….

Obviously, I don’t need to tell you that my mum can do the service at Alton Towers and get a large discount on the white knuckle rides and that McDonald’s catering really isn’t that bad……

22. BiB - September 28, 2006

Did I mention getting married? I have all of a sudden, and for no obvious reason, become a great believer in the long-distance relationship.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: