jump to navigation

Baby, you can drive my car September 19, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.


…just as soon as I get one, ooh ooh ooh ooh yeah.

As I settled in for a marathon session of avoiding work this morning, freshly back from having two Berlin ladies abusing my teeth – mind you, I’m done for six months, I’ve been assured. I wished them a Happy New Year and skipped out of the surgery with glee – my phone vibrated into life. I was awaiting this vibration keenly…

Last night, I went for a drinkypoo with these people and felt revived and revitalised by socialising in English. On the way home, I seized on the good mood and fingered a gooey SMS to the Russian. Then, when he hadn’t answered within 18 seconds, I fingered a slightly less gooey one asking if the gooeyness was reciprocated. I staggered the half-hour home and my phone remained decidedly silent, unvibratey and ungooey throughout. If I hadn’t had a minor skinful, I might have had trouble getting to sleep. As it was, I was out like a light.

So it was with some glee that I leapt on the phone this morning. The Russian’s first SMS went, “…I have just signed my new driving licence. I hope you’ll buy me a car now. I want a BMW.” Darlings, we can drive! We can drive! I feel so fucking grown-up. I gushed SMSly back at how proud I was that he’d passed his test. But never one to let the potential for foreboding pass, my joy was instantly dashed with worry. “Darling,” I SMSed, “you did PASS your test, didn’t you, and haven’t just given some policeman a bung (and a bottle of cognac – the alcoholic bribe of choice in Russia, in my experience) to give you the licence?” The Russian had attempted to get his driving licence two years ago. Unfortunately, he was told to stop the car after about 13 seconds when he happily sped through a big, red light. Still, not one for letting reality get in the way of a mission, he was soon down the police-station working out how to get around the nasty detail of having technically failed the test. Agreement was reached, but, dang, the chief bribe-taker was on a ‘technological’ or ‘technical’ break – these are a Russian speciality. My sister once visited me in St. Petersburg. We wanted to go on some boat-trip round the canals. Just as we got to the front of the queue, the glowering woman who hadn’t been out of her booth since before the revolution defiantly propped a piece of A4 with ‘technical break’ written on it against the glass. During her break, she sat doing nothing in her booth. We looked at her. She looked at us. Then, without so much as a bell or the firing of a cannon, the break ended and she was ready to sell once more – and the Russian’s attempts to get his hands on a thoroughly undeserved driving licence were thwarted. “No, I really passed,” he replied. I SMSed further congratulations and pride (and told him he could buy his own flipping car). “Don’t be too proud,” he answered, in a rare moment of self-criticism. “The policemen told me I needed to get a lot more practice and I’ve got a double chin on the photograph.”

Every silver lining has a cloud.



1. Wyndham - September 19, 2006

The lovely Mrs Triffid has taken her driving license several times now. The last time I left her in the test centre car park and went for a coffee in a cafe right next door.

“Latte,” said I.
“Righto, guv,” said the man behind the counter, or something like it. Latte was delivered. I sat at the table, opened my paper and my mobile rang. Twas Veronica urging me to pick her up from the car park next door. She had failed for some reason approximately 10 seconds after putting her seat-belt on. I considered telling her to wait in the car while I started drinking my damn coffee but she seemed upset so I sighed and wandered out.

2. BiB - September 19, 2006

Gosh, that was quick failing. Did you take the lovely Veronica up West and buy her something nice to make up for the gloom? Or didn’t she give a toss? The Russian had a terrible existential crisis when he failed his test. He got all Russian and tragic. “I am failure. I born to lose.” That kind of thing. Now I expect he’s waltzing round his town – it’s snowing there already! – with his chest puffed out. I bet I’m going to be an awful back-seat driver when we finally end up in a car together.

3. Wyndham - September 19, 2006

A car will transform your lives – I can imagine you pootering up the autobahn now. By the way, that photo-montage at the top of the post – I’ve got a nice writing pad with it on. Incredible.

4. Bowleserised - September 19, 2006

Hurrah! Now YOU can be the friend who helps me move house next time!


5. BiB - September 19, 2006

Wynders, I scanned it in from a notebook. Is yours ring-bound? Gorgeous cars, eh? I don’t know if we’ll actually ever possess a car. The Russian will no doubt have a mo’or as his next plan. Thankfully, I won’t have to get involved. Although I would like a Trabant. Maybe he can get one of those for 100 euros to practise in. He’ll have to redo his test here eventually, anyway, to get a nice, shiny, western licence so it’s not unabated joy yet.

B., I’ll happily lug boxes up and down stairs. As long as you provide tea and jollity non-stop.

6. daggi - September 19, 2006

Cognac, you say? Flights to Moscow are about 99 Euro, aren’t they? But no BMW for me, I’d prefer a Fiat 126 (e.g. second row, on the right), if the Trabis aren’t available.

7. BiB - September 19, 2006

I want the green thing with a flat tyre in square C6. I’m wondering if it’s a Polish Sirena. God they’re marvellous. I’ve got some lovely car snaps from when I was in Poland in 1992, but having to fish them out and scan them in sounds like a faggot above a load.

Yes, get thee on a plane to Russia. Mind you, the Russian did say the instructor today was vaguely acquainted and gave him coughing hints whenever he could see he was about to fuck up. So coughing saved the day. I’m not sure if cognac changed hands.

8. Bowleserised - September 20, 2006

BiB – how about if we tell the Russian that carrying all my stuff is like a work out at the gym (especially good for incipient double chins), and then we just sit back and watch him?

9. Blonde at Heart - September 20, 2006

If we speak about driving-related matters, I passed my theoretical test today! Hoorah!
I was worried sick last night, because all the rules refused to settle in my memory, but it turned out alright. Yippee!

10. BiB - September 20, 2006

BAH, congratulations. The stars are clearly aligned just how they need to be for people planet-wide to pass their driving tests. When do you do the practical bit? Daggi, quickly do your test today.

B., oh, he’ll happily lug things up and down. He loves work. And I woke up today with a double chin – it was NOT there yesterday – so need to help too. When’s the move?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: