Het tips September 5, 2006Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
Boys, I need your help. The dreaded stag-circus is making its way into town this Thursday. I am the only member of the fairer orientation involved and I’ve got a feeling I may struggle with some of the mores of the occasion. What do I do?
Do I call the police when I witness my friend being tied naked to a tree or shout way-hey and run away and leave him? Do I ask the almost-naked lady who is having euros tucked into her panties if she needs help to escape this job or shout way-hey and tuck 5 euros in myself? Do I suggest I’d rather wear my own clothing for the occasion, thank you very much, or shout way-hey and don a t-shirt that says A_’s-last-fling-Berlin-2006 along with my fellow revellers? Do I print out the train timetable for A_ and give it to him so that he knows how to get back from Hoyerswerda having been put naked on a train there (not sure whether this is pre- or post-tree) or do I just shout way-hey and guffaw with the others about the trouble he’s going to have getting back? Do I suggest moisturising A_’s left eyebrow before helping to hold him down and shaving it off or do I shout way-hey and laugh at how unpleasant it all was? Do I ask my fellow revellers if they are suffering from indigestion and would they like me to fetch them some Rennie when I hear them burp or just shout way-hey and try my best to burp the alphabet with them? Do I say, “I’m homosexual and don’t understand the off-side rule,” when football is discussed or shout way-hey and sing the praises of 4-4-2?
I don’t know why A_ is subjecting himself to this torture. He’s one of the few heterosexual men I’ve seen cry, and this in a conversation about politics. (Drink may have featured.) And I now see what a hopeless best man I was myself. I didn’t organise any naked ladies, naked trains or naked trees. Or mention masturbation, prostitutes or fellatio in my speech. Perhaps poofs and marriage just don’t mix.