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Carnage August 2, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
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It’s war in the BiB household. No, nothing nasty on the personal front. Just an ongoing but increasingly bitter offensive between me and the flies. They appear to have laid low for the seriously scorching weather and have now ambushed just as I was caught napping. The arses. Being a homosexual, I am, it goes without saying, incapable of doing any sport that involves kicking a ball. Or throwing a ball, come to that. To be honest, I’m hopeless at racquet sports too, but I wasn’t, at least, utterly filled with horror at the thought of giving them a go. I was once – or perhaps more often – beaten 6-0 6-0 by my ex at tennis, but our relationship survived the mauling – for a while – and I didn’t retire hurt at 5-0 down in the second set, as some unscrupulous professionals are known to do.

Tennis was abandoned for diplomatic reasons and the only time I stepped onto a court with the ex again was to play badminton. In a foursome. The shame. Even if one of the other two people was my sister. I consistently missed the shuttlecock for the first fifteen minutes but vaguely got the hang of it after that and leapt around like nobody’s business. And just as well, for Danes have entered my life since then and one is bound to have a badminton racquet thrust into one’s hand on any summer trip to Denmark with almost the same speed one is forced to take a drink.

And I can see that honing my badminton skills has greatly improved my mastery of the fly-swat. Fuck, I’m good at it. During last year’s hostilities, I may have waited for the enemy to alight on some solid, not-flapping-in-the-summer-breeze object before moving in for the kill… And missing, and then seeing them buzz off – though not in the way I would have liked – happily to torment me another day. Whereas now I’m happy to bludgeon them to death without having thought tactics for a single second. I’m thinking I might invest in a fly-swat for every room, or perhaps even two. My speed now means I could happily massacre with both hands.

Leaves an awful splodge on white surfaces though, this murder lark.

(‘Death to Flies’ image taken from here.)

Comments»

1. leon - August 2, 2006

The recent hot weather has caused my mosquito-slaughtering skills ti be bought into play again, though this is nothing compared to a couple of years back when I slept in a ground floor room next to a garden pond. No malarial swamp could have been worse. I must have massacred hundreds of the little bastards and yet I still ended up covered in huge red welts (I get an allergic reaction, unfortunately). People would edge slowly away from me on the Tube. It was all most depressing.

2. BiB - August 2, 2006

Leon, bad luck. It’s no fun getting deformities that you haven’t even misbehaved for.

The Russian summer was hell for mosquitoes. The bastards hold a conference and agree to loiter at ear-level for the whole night. I was especially popular with them in Russia, as I supppose they liked a bit of foreign. Once, at a barbie thing in the forest, I was actually trickling with blood from so many bites and I’ve had swollen legs from them too. Fucking animal kingdom.

Here it’s just regular bastard flies. Wasp season, which is pretty savage here, is yet to begin. Any day now, I think.

3. Bowleserised - August 2, 2006

I recommend one of those little whizzy hand-held hoovers – for night – and for daytime, a full of hoover hoover with a nozzle (not an upright one). Switch on, point at fly/daddy longlegs/ant.

Bob’s your uncle.

4. chendaberry - August 2, 2006

Can’t they just crawl back out again?

Revenge of the dust-covered killer flies..

5. leon - August 2, 2006

Yes, yes, but how about spiders? Through a rather improbable series of events I once managed to get bitten by a garden orb spider (they do bite) with consequences both extremely painful and absolutely hilarious for anyone in the house who wasn’t me. I’d go into more depth but the story really isn’t suitable for a nice family blog.

On the other hand, the spiders do keep the flies / mosquitoes / midges down, so I’m a bit stuck. Perhaps I should just flypaper all the walls to make sure.

6. BiB - August 2, 2006

Leon, no detail is too sordid for this blog, I can assure you. You have carte blanche from me to mention any body-part you like.

B., Chen, hoovers… I’m afraid, B., Chen’s suspicion is right. I possessed one of those hand-held hoovers in St. Petersburg and used it, all the time yelping with horror, to suck up cockroaches. There I would leave them to fester – I thought dead – until the trauma was past, the roaches were forgotten and I would go to empty the contents down the loo. And the cockroaches, indeed covered in dust and breadcrumb, would merrily crawl their way out of the toilet-bowl and back into my life. Those things are invincible.

I like ants and spiders. They’re welcome any time. (Leon, if you lived in Berlin, you could witness B. and her gentlemen friend getting ants drunk. We even get ant-stilts into conversation.)

7. June* - August 3, 2006

when i was younger my mother made a game out of fly hunting. we called it death from above!! and she wonders why now all her childeren are a little off.

best of luck with ‘the hunt’!

8. lukeski - August 3, 2006

My family of Harvestman spiders are keeping the bugs down this year, although there are masses of moth husks (is that the right word) beneath wherever they have built a web. Nary a fly nor a wasp this year. Ants invaded and left in May.

9. BiB - August 3, 2006

June, I’m still hunting away like nobody’s business! Expecting the wasp invasion any day now.

Lukeski, good for spiders, eh? Our pet spider seems to have disappeared. I’m sure the Russian killed him in a fit of jealous rage.

10. Arabella - August 3, 2006

Swatting with both arms and at such speed is impressive. You also get to double as a fan.
And thanks for the tip: finally – a use for the dustbuster.

11. chendaberry - August 4, 2006

Oh, and if it gets too bad chez Bib + tR, there’s a great homoeopathic remedy for people who get driven into a state of hysteria by flies. Just call and book an appointment..

12. BiB - August 4, 2006

Arabella, I can highly recommend a bit of insect-murder. I do sometimes have to whoop, à l’américaine, when I strike gold. Or strike black, rather. Wasp-season is just beginning. I don’t know if it’s against common etiquette to murder wasps with a fly-swat. Perhaps wasp-swats are also available. (Top tip, read in a posh magazine. Glass of tap-water with oodles of sugar in it will draw all the wasps there like a magnet. And they drown. Good riddance.)

Chen, is there an equally good remedy for people driven to hysteria by their beloved, which must surely cover almost everyone, at least on occasion? I could occasionally do with a major dose of that.

13. tunasingh - August 5, 2006

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=7766902777&category=115770

… these are best, understandably popular in the tropics, and them insects literally fry before your eyes ;)
have seen them sold sometimes at pennymarkt and €2 shops

14. BiB - August 5, 2006

Tunasingh, thank you and hello. I shall invest in some immediately!

15. daggi - August 5, 2006

Seen yesterday at the till at Obi on the Ostseestraße, between all the laughable NPD placards and the nazis below them.

16. BiB - August 5, 2006

When I was looking for that postcard online – I have it myself and scanned it in but the quality was shit – I came across a website with a whole load of nice, Soviet postcards. One looked a tad gay. A slogan in Belarusian, with a Belarusian man what-looked-like-snogging a liberating Soviet soldier. Then, on Wednesday evening, the Russian and I met a Belarusian (and Moldovan, actually. We like to cover a good chunk of the former Soviet Union on any night out) poof for a drink or 90 and he had just been given the very same postcard by friends who’d just returned from holiday in Russia. As usual, I have my finger right on the pulse of the latest trends…

Aber warum in Obi? Isn’t that a DIY-shop?

17. Ronnie Larsen - August 6, 2006

thanks for your kind comment about Regina Fong on my blog. Yes, she was a true original and there has got to be lots of video out there but i have no idea where it is. I was just a lowly tourist for 4 months in 1989.

Anyway, thanks again.

Ronnie Larsen

PS I really enjoyed your story about the flies. Funny stuff!

18. BiB - August 6, 2006

Ronnie, no, thank you. And I’ve got a sneaky feeling that there really isn’t any video footage of Regina Fong. There’s not even any on her own website. I’d love to watch her show this second.

I’m a bit worried the police might be called during one of my especially violent murder-sessions. I keep screaming things like, “Die, you fucking cunt,” and then there’s a thwack. The neighbours must think I’m taking something very nasty out on my beloved…


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