Make your own Love Parade July 16, 2006Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
If anyone desperately wanted to be there yesterday but couldn’t and missed the Love Parade, fear not. Your feckless blogging friend went and had a butcher’s and was neither blown away nor overly horrified. I can see the attraction if you’re 15 and have pretended to your parents that you’re going to hang around the pedestrianised centre of your town – all the shops boarded up and the tower-blocks being torn down one by one – in Brandenburg and then snuck onto a train to Berlin and strutted your stuff and gawped at lots of semi-naked folk for the first time ever. I did feel a touch old and I actually was the only person wearing a shirt. But anyway…
So, as I say, if you missed the thing but want to make your own Love Parade any day of the year, here are my top tips:
1). While still at home, take two to three teaspoonfuls of Ecstasy. As with other medicinal products, we advise against over-consumption of alcohol while under the influence.
2). Buy a walkman. (Or, even better, but this will only work once, or as often as the museum in question is willing to replace the exhibit, go to the Akademie der Künste, conveniently located near Unter den Linden S-Bahn, and steal the one-man disco exhibit, consisting of headphones rigged up to some infernal machine playing very loud music and personalised flashing lights.)
3). Take the S-Bahn to Unter den Linden.
4). Remove clothes from above the waist, apart from glasses in a silly colour (buy these when buying the walkman). If male, you ought to have shaved your chest. If female, quickly paint your top half so that folk don’t realise you’re actually topless within half a second of seeing you.
5). Switch on your walkman with heart-attack-inducing music to its maximum volume.
6). Pass through the Brandenburg Gate and prepare to amble in a straight line as far as Ernst-Reuter-Platz. Hopefully, if you’ve just trained in from Brandenburg or Saarland, the Ecstasy won’t have worn off. If closer to home, the Ecstasy will, with luck, now kick in.
7). (For Poles.) Unfurl a huge, fuck-off, Polish flag which you have scrawled the name of your town – Rzszczyczyczow – on beforehand. Wave this furiously.
8). Strut down Straße des 17. Juni, flailing your arms, pouting your lips and making lurid advances to people of the opposite sex.
9). (For males, possessed of a quite ludicrously good (and shaved) body.) Climb atop a lamp-post and sit and feel silly for forty-five minutes.
10). Take a very public wee in the Tiergarten.
11). Have very public sex in the Tiergarten. DO NOT wait till it gets dark.
12). Remove Polish flag with ‘Zbyszek i Zdzislaw byli tutaj’ emblazoned upon it from your face.
13). Blow a whistle and move your arms again.
14). Pretend you want to drink Red Bull.
15). Buy a stale pretzel for 14 euros.
16). (Having reached the Siegessäule.) Cheer at nothing in particular. Wave at the TV cameras whizzing past you on string overhead. Think of sex.
17). Think, “Fuck, I wish I’d got on the S-Bahn at Tiergarten and not bothered walking to Ernst-Reuter-Platz”.
18). Dress and take train back to Brandenburg/Saarland/Poland.