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Make your own Love Parade July 16, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
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If anyone desperately wanted to be there yesterday but couldn’t and missed the Love Parade, fear not. Your feckless blogging friend went and had a butcher’s and was neither blown away nor overly horrified. I can see the attraction if you’re 15 and have pretended to your parents that you’re going to hang around the pedestrianised centre of your town – all the shops boarded up and the tower-blocks being torn down one by one – in Brandenburg and then snuck onto a train to Berlin and strutted your stuff and gawped at lots of semi-naked folk for the first time ever. I did feel a touch old and I actually was the only person wearing a shirt. But anyway…

So, as I say, if you missed the thing but want to make your own Love Parade any day of the year, here are my top tips:

1). While still at home, take two to three teaspoonfuls of Ecstasy. As with other medicinal products, we advise against over-consumption of alcohol while under the influence.

2). Buy a walkman. (Or, even better, but this will only work once, or as often as the museum in question is willing to replace the exhibit, go to the Akademie der Künste, conveniently located near Unter den Linden S-Bahn, and steal the one-man disco exhibit, consisting of headphones rigged up to some infernal machine playing very loud music and personalised flashing lights.)

3). Take the S-Bahn to Unter den Linden.

4). Remove clothes from above the waist, apart from glasses in a silly colour (buy these when buying the walkman). If male, you ought to have shaved your chest. If female, quickly paint your top half so that folk don’t realise you’re actually topless within half a second of seeing you.

5). Switch on your walkman with heart-attack-inducing music to its maximum volume.

6). Pass through the Brandenburg Gate and prepare to amble in a straight line as far as Ernst-Reuter-Platz. Hopefully, if you’ve just trained in from Brandenburg or Saarland, the Ecstasy won’t have worn off. If closer to home, the Ecstasy will, with luck, now kick in.

7). (For Poles.) Unfurl a huge, fuck-off, Polish flag which you have scrawled the name of your town – Rzszczyczyczow – on beforehand. Wave this furiously.

8). Strut down Straße des 17. Juni, flailing your arms, pouting your lips and making lurid advances to people of the opposite sex.

9). (For males, possessed of a quite ludicrously good (and shaved) body.) Climb atop a lamp-post and sit and feel silly for forty-five minutes.

10). Take a very public wee in the Tiergarten.

11). Have very public sex in the Tiergarten. DO NOT wait till it gets dark.

12). Remove Polish flag with ‘Zbyszek i Zdzislaw byli tutaj’ emblazoned upon it from your face.

13). Blow a whistle and move your arms again.

14). Pretend you want to drink Red Bull.

15). Buy a stale pretzel for 14 euros.

16). (Having reached the Siegessäule.) Cheer at nothing in particular. Wave at the TV cameras whizzing past you on string overhead. Think of sex.

17). Think, “Fuck, I wish I’d got on the S-Bahn at Tiergarten and not bothered walking to Ernst-Reuter-Platz”.

18). Dress and take train back to Brandenburg/Saarland/Poland.

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Comments»

1. patroclus - July 16, 2006

BiB, every single post of yours is a complete and utter treat. I think you should give up the translating lark (actually, is that what you do or have I made that up?) and become a professional blogger. The world would be a better place for it.

2. Shyha - July 16, 2006

Although I don’t exactly get the context of ‘fuck-off Polish flag’ (is it offensive for me and my brethren?) I think it’s 100% correct with what I think about ‘white gloves’ :] and yes – some of my brethren too (no matter their music affection)

3. Bowleserised - July 17, 2006

Shyha – “fuck-off Polish flag” just means “very big Polish flag”. It’s slang. If you use it as an adjective like that. You can say “I just saw a fuck-off big dog outside” for example.

BiB -am with Patroclus. Priceless!

4. Shyha - July 17, 2006

O! Thanks! I thought about something like this :) Still a lot to learn :)

5. Welshy - July 17, 2006

Sheer brilliance! Please become a pro blogger – please! I will come and inteview you for some magazine (just as soon as I’ve found a magazine willing to employ a blatant non-journalist) and ask lots of really cultured questions (and some very stupid ones too) and we will both be famous. Hurrah. (Yes, I do appear to have gone completely mad this morning)…

6. Ed Ward - July 17, 2006

Really. Become a journalist? The weather’s too nice to entertain thoughts of suicide, even economic suicide.

7. BiB - July 17, 2006

Darlings, you’re too kind. Of course I’d happily give up translating yesterday (although I have to finish something by Thursday, and I know the person I’m doing it for, so had better wait till then) and become a professional blogger. I’d happily answer questions for Hello Blog! magazine and pose for shoots of me eating Weetabix, zum Beispiel. (Ed, translating is probably on a par with journalism on the suicide-risk scale. On a nice day like this, I think I should be a postman, but I’m hopeless at riding bikes uphill.)

B., thank you for your explanation of ‘fuck off’ meaning big. Shyha, it’s all true, although perhaps it was an especially inappropriate place to use ‘fuck off’ like that. Przepraszam, przepraszam. No offence intended. But honestly, I’ve never seen so many flags in my life. (Estonia and Russia were also represented. Sweden too. Maybe even the odd German flag here and there. Was it people making the most out of their World Cup flags, perhaps?)

8. Shyha - July 17, 2006

Hey, no no – it’s ok. it looked like some idiomatic sentence and I didn’t feel offended :) Now I know something new :)

9. Spinsterella - July 18, 2006

“take two to three teaspoonfuls of Ecstasy”

What, can you just buy it in jars or something in Berlin?

*feeling very provincial*

10. June* - July 19, 2006

and i was thinking of going into your feild. if it’s that bad, i’ll have to reconsider.

very accurate description by the way, couldn’t have done better myself really.

11. BiB - July 20, 2006

Shyha, always happy to help broaden someone’s profane English vocabulary.

Spin, or in a Bovril-like form that you can mix into some type of hearty broth. We like to give our drugs a healthy angle here. I think there’s even a Ryvita-style Ecstasy crispbread.

June*, hello! Well, translation can be OK, really, as long as there’s plenty of work and you don’t work for thieves. (Avoid Brussels.)

12. daggi - August 1, 2006

German Ecstasy is available at Kräuter Kühne. Along with those Garlic pills and “As” (vitamin A tablets).

13. BiB - August 1, 2006

You mean there really is healthy E? I might have to become a bio-drug-fiend.

14. daggi - August 2, 2006

I dunno. It’s probably just a mixture of baldrian root, ginseng and guarana. You’d have to mix any mixture yourself, as otherwise Kräuter Kühne would be acting as an illegal chemists, as many signs per branch like to inform you. Or you, like an ex-flatmate of mine, would have to befriend a chemist’s apprenticeship who would order you under-the-counter 1kg of some root which, when a few teaspoons are boiled up to a strong tea, gives you (males) a 29-hour-long erection. He mixed this with genuine ecstacy, not wanting to experiment too much on the bio-drug front.

15. BiB - August 2, 2006

29-hour erections? Cor blimey. A very old-fashioned friend of mine once declared, “I don’t do any drugs any more… apart from coke and viagra”. Anyway, I eventually realised he was taking viagra for recreational purposes and not because he actually had any problem in that department, and he swore by it. You know, 12 times a night. That sort of thing. (I also think ‘night’ is such a shame. I’d much rather sleep.)

16. Blonde at Heart - August 15, 2006

In Jerusalem’s Love Parade last year three people were stabbed by some Ultra-Orthodox homophob, and this year it was cancelled because of the war. It is hard to hold a Love Parade in Jerusalem.

17. BiB - August 15, 2006

BAH, there’s been quite a lot of fuss this year (and last) about some of the gay events held around Europe. Moscow’s one was fraught. Warsaw’s went ahead, although there was much protesting against it. And Riga’s was cancelled at the last minute. A Lutheran – I think – pastor invited the participants into his church, where one of the protesters threw shit – yes, threw shit! – over them, or one of them, or might it have even been an innocent bystander? Anyway, of course there’s no such fuss in Berlin.

Are you in Jerusalem? My Stasi-like blog-stats don’t show up the Israeli flag, much to my chagrin. It’s one of my favourites. I think Israel and Finland have got the colour coordination just right.

18. Blonde at Heart - August 16, 2006

I am indeed living in Jerusalem.

Thank you very much. I also think blue&white is the best colour combination for a flag.

19. BiB - August 16, 2006

Moving on from Love Parades and flags – you never know where a blog might take you! – what’s the mood in Israel right now? What’s the reaction to all this defeat-for-Israel-victory-for-Hezbollah-new-Middle-East bluster? Are Israelis thinking this campaign was for nothing, or that it was important, or are views very split?

20. Blonde at Heart - August 17, 2006

Most of the people are now searching for people to blame, namely Olmert (PM), Peretz (minister of defence) and Halutz (chief of staff). People are very proud of the army and claim we did not get what we wanted because the aforementioned trio are idiots.

People are also very sorry for all those who live in the North and had to stay a whole month in bomb shelters and now nothing has changed.

All in all, there is a concensus. Looney leftists and militant right wingers are looked upon in disdain.

21. BiB - August 17, 2006

Well, consensus is something. But I’m sure the nation must often be unified at times like these. Are people at least hopeful that the deployment of Lebanese/UN troops in the south of Lebanon will return peace to the north of Israel?

22. Blonde at Heart - August 17, 2006

People are skeptical, since there are pro-Hizbollah Shiites in the Lebanese army, and, like Bren said, the UN has no balls to disarm Hizbollah.
People sort of start to mentally prepare themselves for the next round of violence.

23. BiB - August 17, 2006

Yes, nothing seems resolved. Is there a timetable for a deal with the Palestinians at the moment? What’s the plan? That Israel finishes its wall and then sort of declares itself disinterested? And does Palestine become an internationally recognised independent state at that point? (I can feel the hope draining out of my fingers with every new typed word.)

24. Blonde at Heart - August 17, 2006

As a matter of fact, it seems as though the negotiations or lack thereof stopped because of the war in Lebanon. Since unilateral withdrawal from Gaza AND Lebanon proved to bring more trouble than profit, I guess all unilateral moves will meet harsh criticism and probably will not be implemented. The Palestinians are trying to do things themselves, but they do not seem competent enough to stick to their resolutions. So the Palestinian-Israeli dispute is pretty much at stalemate.

25. BiB - August 17, 2006

If we move to an ideal, fantasy world for a moment, what ideal, fantasy solution do Israelis want to see? The wall finished, that becoming the new de facto border and then taking things from there? Do people expect the Palestinian state, divided between Gaza and the West Bank, to be able to survive, or do folk think Gaza will go to Egypt and the West Bank to Jordan?

26. Blonde at Heart - August 18, 2006

There are many answers to this question, depends on who you ask. If you ask me, a divided Palestinian state between Gaza and some of the West Bank (how much is matter for negotiations) is the only solution. Pretty much like Alaska. No one says Alaska is less American because it is a few miles north.

27. BiB - August 18, 2006

Yes, lots of countries have divided territories. Azerbaijan has a bit of Armenia separating one bit from the other. East Timor. Russia. Angola. The list goes on…


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