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Quick! I need someone else’s body July 11, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
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The beautiful friend – tbf – has just sent an SMS suggesting we go to “the beach”. Darlings, how do I transform my body in half an hour? I’m having a cigarette while I think about it, hoping that might suck up some spare tyres.

I want to go the beach. (Berlin is full of lakes, for those reminding themselves that Berlin isn’t on the sea.) It’s a perfect way to avoid work, although the work I should be doing is actually a favour for the Russian, so it’s very naughty not to do it, but maybe I could delay it for another day (having dragged it out for about 20 years). Plus, the Russian’s invited to the beach too (but is coolly delaying answering my SMS, pretending he’s not that excited about seeing tbf with his kit off). And I want to go to the beach, because it’s STILL boiling – I thought FIFA really had been making this weather, aber it seems not – and, of course, I want to see tbf with his kit off too. But is it a mistake to go and take one’s kit off next to someone who makes Virgilijus Alekna look like Marty Feldman on the beauty stakes? Will I never be the same again? Will it be both a fatal blow to my own self-confidence plus an end to all pleasures knowing that I can never, ever see such beauty again (for the first time)?

And I’ve got a cold sore.

OK, better go and do a press-up.


1. Spinsterella - July 11, 2006

There are beaches in Berlin?

Why did I not know this before?

2. chendaberry - July 11, 2006

Press-up with cigarette still dangling out of mouth? Stylish!

3. Bowleserised - July 11, 2006

Muu-muu? I’m dying to get one. It’s a beach shelter and a frock in one.

Spinsterella – yup, both by the Spree (bars and clubs) and in the forests outside the town. Actually, they shut some of the swimming pools in the summer so that you *have* to go swim in the woods. This is the kind of thing that shows you how different the climate is in Berlin to London…

4. chendaberry - July 11, 2006

p.s. my sister has this frightening machine which you strap to your stomach and it sends out electric currents, making your muscles contract all by themselves in a very alarming manner. I always have to leave the room when she uses it.

Might be worth a try? Must have one of them on the shopping channel, surely?

5. Bowleserised - July 11, 2006

One of my exes always yearned after one of those things… Does it work?

6. chendaberry - July 11, 2006

Apparently so. D swears by it.

7. The Blind Flaneur - July 11, 2006

Beaches are bastards, beach bars are our friends. My advice would be to order up a mojito and keep the body covered

8. patroclus - July 11, 2006

Is it like the Hampstead Heath mixed bathing pond in August, i.e. a seething porridge of human flesh in the water, with unseemly riots breaking out on the banks as oiled Italian beauties fight for towel space on approximately one square nanometre of muddy grass?

Actually it’s so hot and sticky here in London W4 that that sounds quite appealing.

9. Wyndham - July 11, 2006

I always find that pouting, squinting and scowling get me through the experience. Just try to look above mere physicality – read Proust and swig Jack Daniels. Witihin seconds you will be unconscious and suddenly unconcerned.

10. daggi - July 11, 2006

Ask “Professor” Günter “von” Hagens if he could lend you one of the many bodies he´s collected over the years? It would mean everyone would have to see your insides on at least one half of yourself, but I suppose you can pretend it`s a very elaborate tattoo.

11. Bowleserised - July 12, 2006

OR have musculature tattooed onto your existing body.

Have we said anything useful yet?

12. BiB - July 12, 2006

Darlings, it was all wonderfully useful. And thank you. I’ve never had a greater rush of commented tips when I switched on the computer. Nudity is clearly the way forward.

Well, I took the plunge and went for it. The Russian, who pretended he was too busy to join us, instantly asked me for a detailed description when I got in. Frolicking in a lake next to a quite staggeringly handsome – in a modest, unrealising it, normal way – gent was almost too much for the hormones to cope with, but cope I did, even when he did a running-through-shallow-water thing and splashing as if advertising something that handsome men advertise. Pure porn. And bespectacled people with glassy, greyish-blue, heart-breakingly beautiful eyes just need to take their glasses off more often. And their clothes…

Anyway, where were we? Spin, hello. The beaches here are actually nice. The water today was boiling, the place was awash with totty and there was sausage and beer to be had. I call that a good deal. And beautiful forests all around.

B., Chen, I haven’t gone in for one of those gadgets, though have of course been tempted. I did manage to do about 1-and-a-half press-ups and three sit-ups once my fag was out. And the one stroke or so of swimming I did will surely make me wake up tomorrow veritably rippling in muscle. By the way, B., at Wannsee, the beach has very nice Strandkorbs, which aren’t a garment, but you can sit in them nicely.

BF, I decided to expose myself (in the most decent way possible, natch) and got away with it by breathing in constantly. I last breathed out in about 1977.

Pats, most of the lakes are pretty big, and they attach a fake beach, so there’s normally room to fling out your towel and prance around without stepping on oiled, foreign folk. Isn’t the Hampstead one a gay haunt? I’ve never been to it. The gay-count seemed pretty low to me today although there is, I presume, a ‘gay beach’ somewhere in or around Berlin.

Wynders, luckily tbf is also just a friend, and an increasingly good one, so it actually wasn’t TOO traumatic having to get my kit off in front of him, although I did wonder if I was getting away with stealing glances at him without his noticing. Actually, his real beauty is in the face department, so I could look at that with gay abandon throughout. I did have a token beer though, for the sake of decency.

Daggi, but I would never have managed the elaborate under-the-towel dance needed to get the spare body out of my rucksack and squidge it onto my own, all with tbf standing half an inch away. So he had to make do with the untattooed, bog-standard version. On the plus side, I did learn words for ‘freckle’ and ‘birthmark’ (and ‘buoy’ and ‘fin’ – although there were no sharks at Wannsee) today. Forgotten them now though, I think. (OK, Muttermal, Boje und Flosse have stuck. But what is a freckle again?)

13. patroclus - July 12, 2006

Gosh, even I fancy the beautiful friend now. Is he gay? If not, is he single?

The Hampstead Heath mixed bathing pond isn’t a gay hangout, but the male bathing pond, on the other side (or du coté de chez Wyndham, as Proust would have had it), is.

14. chendaberry - July 12, 2006

Sommersprosse. There’s even a NDW (new – though actually no longer new, more 80s – german wave) song about freckles: “Ich bin so verschossen.. doo doo doo doo doo doo.. in deine Sommersprossen…” Can’t remember the rest, though I’m sure it was good.

15. BiB - July 12, 2006

Pats, single, yes, mais, hélas, homosexuel aussi. And sweet and innocent, in a way. I’m almost afraid to be his friend, actually. If he makes the change, I’ll get straight back to you. (He’s religious – in an unfrightening way – so I wouldn’t be surprised if he all of a sudden decided he needed a wife and children.)

Chen, NDW. Do Propaganda count as that? I always try to get any conversation round to Propaganda. Might go and put on Duel again…

16. daggi - July 12, 2006

There are, as you might expect, various gay nudist beaches in Berlin. One, also as you might expect, known as the Tuntenstrand (as they probably all are) is at the Müggelsee, near to S-Bhf Friedrichshagen. If you don’t want to be gawped at too much not necessarily to be recommended.

17. BiB - July 12, 2006

Daggi, the Tuntenstrand sounds nice in a way, but I’m sure it’s better thought about than visited. In my thoughts, I can think it’s full of handsome, strapping gents who kindly offer to rub your sun-cream in. In reality, I imagine it stinks of poppers and is full of types who look like Dix’s Syphilitiker.

18. daggi - July 12, 2006

When I was there (actually, we were on the bit of beach next to the Tuntenstrand, but it seemed to spread as the day went on, unfortunately), it was obviously feel of ugly, old, fat gents, some armed with opera glasses and the like. I can’t remember amyl nitrate featuring much, but as I said, we were next door.

19. chendaberry - July 12, 2006

Christ, you have such a vivid imagination, it scares me. Dix-style scenes on the banks of the Müggelsee.. sounds like you’ve been overindulging on the opium again.

Apparently opium-eaters and whisky-drinkers (Madam B) have one thing in common – they’re both chronic liers, incapable of telling the truth. That’s what I’ve learnt today.

20. BiB - July 12, 2006

Daggi, actually, the photo of the Tuntenstrand makes it look really beautiful. Maybe I will be tempted along after all, although I must confess Weissensee is my lake of choice because it’s so flipping easy to get to, but it’s not really beautiful or romantic, but it does have water, sand, beer and sausage.

Chen, I promise I consume neither opium or whisky, although my mother did have poppies in her garden when I was a mere slip of a thing. She could have been selling them and done the Afghans out of the market. I did consider having absinthe once at that bar on Castingallee – the Sunday in August or something – in an attempt at discovering my inner Verlaine/Rimbaud, but chickened out and went for a Weissbier instead. (Is B. an opium-addict? The things that pass you by at the Stammtisch!)

21. chendaberry - July 12, 2006

She may be. Although the brackets were actually intended to refer to the whisky, of which she is rather fond.

22. Bowleserised - July 12, 2006

You didn’t think I just *naturally* had pupils so big that people frequently approach me and ask what I’m on, did you? That takes hard puffing work and lots of spare cash.

Why does whisky make me a liar? Ah, whisky and chocolate…

23. BiB - July 12, 2006

I’ve never caught on to whisky. But how does it combine with choc to make one lie?

24. leon - July 13, 2006

Believe me, I’d tell any number of lies if there was some Laphroaig, Bunnahabhain or Green & Black’s with cherries in the offing.

25. BiB - July 13, 2006

Should I become addicted to whisk(e?)y? Is it delicious? I’ve never seen the attraction. I occasionally tolerate a gin, but I must say, I’m really a beer and wine man. I think I’m awfully good at lying without help from either though.

26. Bowleserised - July 13, 2006

Green&Blacks with Cherries! I had almost forgotten about that! You can buy it in the chocolate shop in Helmholtzplatz… I used to eat it by the tonne and still lose weight, much pissing off a colleague who existed on melons and vinegar.

27. BiB - July 13, 2006

Is it an ice-cream, or a sweet with liqueur inside it, or what? Melons and vinegar? Aber warum? Not a good combo, surely.

28. Bowleserised - July 13, 2006

She would come into work, having done 20minutes on a cycling machine, then chop up half a melon and eat that. Later, she would drink bovril instead of having lunch. And she’d wash it all down with glasses of water tinged with vinegar. All slimming tricks that ensure that if you ever go back on a halfway normal diet, you will look like Rosanne Barr in no time.

29. BiB - July 13, 2006

Oh dear. Have there been any sightings of this woman since? Is she now as fat as a barrel and accusing her parents of all sorts of nefariousness?

30. Bowleserised - July 14, 2006

Oh she came to visit a few months ago. She is now in a workplace that appreciates permanent semi-starvation… She is rather younger than me and was still living at home with her parents at the time (mother always on a diet), and had a boyfriend whose mother was a bit bonkers-eating-disorder, and it made me mad to realise that none of them seemed to notice what she was doing. Meh.

31. BiB - July 14, 2006

Oh dear. A lady I know back on the island, who’s struggled with weight for ever, swears by hypnotherapy. Swears.

32. Gabe - July 24, 2006

a beach rendezvous with tbf huh? very romantic indeed. so going to this beach is the ultimaate foreplay, yes? good thing i don’t have to be buffed up to snag a couple of tbf’s myself. all i gotta do is log-in at webdate dot com, post my best pic and watch the ladies go crazy with it.

33. BiB - July 24, 2006

Is this a fairly elaborate plug for the website in question?

Well, there was no romance involved in our rendezvous. Just beautiful friendship…

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