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АлПу сold sweat June 25, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.

I’ve just woken up in one. And I wasn’t even asleep.

Darlings, you know that mental disorder where you secretly think that everyone else thinks exactly as you do? And that everyone else IS actually the same as you? No? Is that just me, then? Anyway, megalohomoegomania, or whatever it is, has lulled me into a cosy but groundless sense of security.

It’s the hanging around, you see. I can’t really miss the football. So here I am, clicking my heels, drinking my 83rd coffee of the day, having a spot of pre-football preparatory carping with the Russian – thankfully he’s in worse shape than me at the moment, which is just so many strings to my carp-bow – and wondering what to do. Well, a spot of blogging, of course. But I thought I’d also seek solace in some really crap, mindless music. And, as I fingered the Русская коллекция (oh, OK, you old Korinthenkackers, the Русскую коллекцию) (Russian collection) out of its little plastic home, impaled it on the player-thingy and got ready to be distracted by Alla Pugacheva, it came to me. The realisation and the cold sweat. “Can it be true?” I thought. “Can it be true that there might be people on this planet, regardless of whether they have ever had the slightest connection with Russia or not, who have never heard of Alla Pugacheva?” So is it true? Is there a single one of you folks who might stumble sadly across this piffle when you could really be doing something much nicer, like drinking, or making money, or perhaps having a little bit of a smooch with your beloved, who has never come across the muse-tastic Alla Pugacheva, Russia’s supreme diva and the salvation from suicide of every homosexual in the former Soviet Union? (Darlings, I can’t do links when e-mailing my blog. But she’s well worth the google.) (Oh bugger, on second thoughts, here’s a link anyway, just in case you get the wrong Pugachev and end up with rebellions, Pushkin and all sorts of queernesses.)


1. lukeski - June 25, 2006

She is entirely unknown outside the former Warsaw Pact countries, Slavophiles and homosexuals. Which is unsurprising.

2. daggi - June 25, 2006

Isn’t Alla whatsherface the one who looks a bit like Tina Turner? Old-ish, with straggly hair (or wig?)? Occasional concerts in Berlin.

I’ve just checked my Russian textbook. Bloomin’ ‘ell. Pictured between Gorbi, Gogol and alongside Valentina Tereschkova, Mendelev (he of the periodic system?) and a woman called Nadeschda Aleksandrovna, who I think just might be the class teacher in a school mentioned somewhere in the course. But, my, what hair. She could lead a Ukrainian power-transition with a matted barnet like that. Very sexy lace driving gloves she wears, too.

3. Bowleserised - June 25, 2006


4. Wyndham - June 26, 2006

The slap’s rather thick – she could be in her twenties but then again she could have started her career just before the October Revolution. Which is it, Bib?

5. BiB - June 26, 2006

Wynders, I think she did indeed begin before the storming of the old Winter Palace, but is, mysteriously, still going strong. The Russian informs me an erotic film about her life is going to be made, which I’m not sure how her legions of gay fans will cope with. She has a singer daughter too, and her ex-husband – Filip Kirkorov, also a singer worth googling – is ACTUALLY the ugliest person on earth. She did almost destroy her career by deigning to represent Russia in the Eurovision, and not doing well. Some say she has a mafia-like stranglehold over the Russian music business.

Daggi, B., maybe her hair will turn her into the Russian Tymoshenko. It seems the logical next step in her career.

Liukchik, you a fan?

6. Bowleserised - June 26, 2006

There was much chatter about Tymoshenko on the Long Hair Boards. We reckon her braid is FAKE!

7. BiB - June 26, 2006

Leon and I once discussed her hair before. It always makes me want to eat some nice salty bread. When she first came on the scene, I’m sure her hair was black, or darker, and straight and long. She’s actually quite a babe, isn’t she? Dunno what she must think of her daughter, surely Ukraine’s richest heiress, marrying some two-bit, second-rate, provincial, English rocker. Maybe he’ll be the next Yushchenko.

8. BiB - June 27, 2006

I think, to foster Ukraine’s further integration into western Europe, she should transform that twisty loaf into a nice Bretzel, which wouldn’t take her hairdressers too long, surely. Just a few strategically placed pins should do the trick. Can writing here about Tymoshenko mean I don’t have to write a separate gush about how happy I am that Ukraine is in the quarter-finals of the World Cup?

9. leon - June 27, 2006

Tymoshenko does indeed have remarkable, savoury-looking hair.

10. daggi - June 27, 2006

Would a English version of her have some kind of pasty on her head, then? Perhaps I’m thinking of UKIP-candidate Rustie Lee here.

11. leon - June 27, 2006

A meat pie, perhaps. With some mash and liquor.

12. Bowleserised - June 27, 2006

Oh, there are instructions somewhere on the long hair site for doing a bretzel bun. I don’t have enough hair for it yet, but maybe if I invested in some fake hair I could pull it off. The thread I linked to earlier has links to pictures of her with dark hair, BiB – you were right.

13. BiB - June 27, 2006

B., you’ve got oodles of hair. Surely you don’t need to fake it. Or are you just impatient for that breaded look?

14. Bowleserised - June 27, 2006

Well, there are people on the long hair site with considerably more hair than me (ie, thicker, calf-length) and they don’t have enough hair to wind it round their heads like our Ukranian friend.
The best I can hope for is one of those spitz wotsit little circlet buns. The ones with the white icing on top. What are they called?

15. daggi - June 27, 2006

I must scan ín the picture I have of Alla, as I couldn’t find anything quite like it on her website. Perhaps *that particular* haircut is one she wants to forget.

By the way, if you want Rita, Sue, not to mention Bob as well, I’ll have to get it to you, like, today.

16. BiB - June 27, 2006

Fuck, Daggi, are you off to the sticks right now? Will you ever be back? I hope whatever this mystery Hauptstadt hiatus involves will be fun. (I see you on a tractor, like in a Soviet propaganda film. Has this got anything at all to do with sweetcorn?)

B., can’t think what confectionery you mean. But, just like Mrs. Tymoshenko’s riah, it’s got me hungry.

17. daggi - June 28, 2006

When I was last in the sticks, I had to help make a Catholic propaganda film, in which I indeed could be seen on a tractor (truly only for propaganda purposes, as I couldn’t drive at all, where as this time I just can’t even drive). This time no tractors are involved. Off for a few days, here for another, then off again, incidentally.

No idea what kind of cake she means either – but I bought a baking book the other day. Until now I had always considered cookbooks by Nigel Slater and the like to be nothing but Essenspornografie, possibly nice to look at, enticing, making your mouth water, but entirely unrealistic – but, my, this book of German cakes. As a friend said looking through them, “these are all porn cakes – look at that one, that’s the Puffmutter of cakes”. And really, if the Oranienburger Str. was to become full of confectioner’s-baker’s-patessieries, overnight, the streets would be truly over-populated by these cakes, the Lack und Leder of the Kuchenwelt.

18. BiB - June 29, 2006

But B., you don’t mean the cake that’s designed as a football pitch just for the duration of the World Cup, do you? We’ve got guests in town and have already eaten that cake this evening as an opening Weltmeisterscahft gesture. It wouldn’t do as a hair-do though, admittedly.

19. Bowleserised - June 29, 2006

That is a cake I have yet to see! No, I mean something else. I should do part II of Learning German with Pastries. That would help.

20. Adrian - June 29, 2006

I know La Pugacheva from Eurovision. Primadonna, she cried, whilst wearing impossibly high heels and an old jumper strewn about her shoulders. She was one of those acts that was marvellous, yet nobody ‘got’ it.

I also have a song of hers called Leningrad. Or Leniiiiiiiingraaaaaaad to give it the phonetic name.

21. BiB - July 2, 2006

Did she cry because she didn’t win, or was that just part of the performance?

I’m hopeless with cake vocab. Although this blog has occasionally been found by folk looking for Donauwelle, which is thanks to you, Daggi. I don’t know what one of those is either. (The football cake was nice. The football pitch lines – mind you, football is almost too painful to mention this evening – were made of coconut. Lecker.)

22. daggi - July 11, 2006

They were selling that football cake in the Ikea restaurant, I do really mean canteen, the other week ago. There can sometimes just be too much dessicated coconut in the world.

23. BiB - July 12, 2006

Coconut milky juice, as served in Thailand in a scooped out coconut, is total puke, but I like coconut in its other forms. The Russian is known to make a quite delicious sauce out of coconut milk and ginger and other goodies, which prawns and bits of chicken breast then swim in. Not a hint of dessication though, admittedly.

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