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Gissa job May 13, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
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I can’t bear translating for another single second (but have to). But once this bearing session’s over and done with, I want something else. So this is a direct appeal. Gissa job.

Criteria: in Berlin. Not prepared to move again yet (or ever, perhaps). Salary: don’t mind, really, though preferably tonnes. Nature of work: preferably a piece of cake, involving nothing that would take me anywhere near an industrial estate/retail park/building site/place where overweight heterosexual men talk about technicalia.

I have all the necessary qualifications and traits of character required to satisfactorily fill any position: I am lazy, unambitious, impractical, unreliable and utterly incapable of working in a team. But I can be a naked table, or something like that. Or make tea. (But I can’t cook.) Supremely obsequious and subservient. Criminally poor knowledge of German.

So how can you resist? Isn’t that just the profile of a winner (with a capital L)? Anything considered. But write fast to avoid disappointment…

Comments»

1. lukeski - May 13, 2006
2. daggi - May 14, 2006

Wasn’t Queer Elizabeth II looking for a naked cleaner? S/he might want to use you as a table or a cycle rack too, for all I know.

3. The Blind Flaneur - May 15, 2006

Add a fondness for blogging, emailing your mates and smoking at regular intervals throughout the day, and I’m sold

4. leon - May 16, 2006

We could always open that caff (see some post on Bowlserised’s site somewhere or other) and then your tea-making skills would come into their own, I think.

5. daggi - May 16, 2006

The caff with a blog? “We”, Leon? Are you after a cheap place to stay in Berlin then?

6. BiB - May 16, 2006

Leon, are you moving to Berlin? Will it be a themed caff? Maybe like an English caff? I could make cups of splosh, like Pete Beale used to drink – I actually used to fancy him. The shame – and call them “cups of splosh”. And hoover once in a while, say. Daggi, can you cook?

BF, are you offering me a job, or do I have to find you a similar position? BiB recruitment consultants. Hmm. I’m a great believer in smoking. Not very good at e-mailing, mind, but I could learn. No other skills whatsoever. Even my handwriting is illegible.

Lukeski, trolley-dollying is out. I sometimes think I wouldn’t mind being a prostitute. That might be nice. But I’ve got a feeling my Mitarbeiters would be wankers. I’ll go down the serious route and see what comes up. Thanks for the tips.

7. daggi - May 17, 2006

If your Mitarbeiters (in your brothel / stretch of the Oranienburger Str.) would be wankers, then I suspect you could earn a bit more than they would, assuming you would offer somewhat of a wider service.

Go down the Berifsinformationszentrum and ask if they have a current promotional vido on being a rent boy. I can imagine the seious tones of an Inforadio journalist saying things like

“Working in a brothel offers a number of advantages when compared to walking the streets. You have your own room, you are not subject to the trials of the weather, and should you not wish to work one particualar evening, or the customers are not around, you can relax in bed with a number of pornographic videos. The two-years apprenticeship can be rounded off with a “Meisterausbildung” which can be studied either at a vocational college or in a studio of your choice. More information from your Arbeitsamt. And, don’t forget, (some crap joke probably of a sexual nature but something to do with ‘rent’). Ha ha ha. Enjoy your job training! Good-bye!”

Otherwise: you could run off to the French Foreign Legion, I understand they have a number of cards on display in French job centres at the moment.

http://www.legion-recrute.com/fr/

8. BiB - May 17, 2006

Again, without wanting to get too raunchy – it’s only 8.43am – I can imagine that quite a lot of unrealistic fantasies could potentially be satisfied by joining the Foreign Legion. All, of course, of an utterly sexual nature and nothing to do with being a mercenary in Sao Tome and Principe. Actually, a friend of mine joined the Foreign Legion and I never heard from him again. Very odd behaviour. He was extremely intelligent, and sort of sexy, but from Northern Ireland, which I think gave him the military bent.

There’s a brothel on my street, as luck would have it, but I’d need to become an Asian (female) babe to be allowed to join their ranks, I think. Well, another translation is now done and dusted so I can breathe easy for, hopefully, at least a full day before the next one comes in…

9. leon - May 17, 2006

Oh, an English-themed caff for sure. There’s got to be some way of scamming / getting rich off the back of the vast hordes of identikit Hoxditch wannabe-artist-boho types who seem to be flocking to Berlin at the moment (judging by the conversations I overhear in London).

I might seriously consider moving to Berlin if I fail to get a decent job here. After all, it doesn’t matter so much if nearly everyone doesn’t have a job.

10. BiB - May 17, 2006

Leon, no-one has a job. No-one. And yet we scrape by. I have been here for over four years, still speak like an ice-cream seller, and somehow manage to pay bills and live in a perfectly nice flat that I’d need to have a real job to be able to afford in London. Get some cards printed saying you’re a consultant plus something else and get the next plane. That first in (was it?) English Literature should have you on course for the Kanzlership within months…

11. leon - May 17, 2006

English Literature, yes: most useless of degrees. Years of education have left me unfit for pretty much everything.

As I’m a PhD would the Germans have to refer to me as Herr Doktor? That in itself might just swing it.

12. BiB - May 17, 2006

Yes, Herr Doktor. Surely you could teach comparative literature, or something like that, at Humboldt or one of those other establishments. I met a queen once who lectures at Humboldt in English, so it can be done. But that is impressive. Dr. Leon, and still only 26 (or thereabouts). And I thought I was clever with my big shiny BA which it took me a hundred years to get… What did you write on for your PhD, if that isn’t delving too naughtily into the realms of the personal?

13. leon - May 17, 2006

Older, actually. Though 26 can be my press age, I suppose (I was around 26 when I finished the full-time bit of it, mind you).

It was on satire. There’s a copy mouldering in the bowels of my ex-University library somewhere I expect. Wonder if anyone’s ever read it?

14. BiB - May 18, 2006

I’m sure it’s been read by at least several million people. At least. I think a Russian degree’s got to be up there on the uselessness stakes with English Literature, nicht wahr?


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