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Kalashnikovs in schools March 24, 2006

Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
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Films can be too queer. Because my Deutsch is so stunningly crap, I am provided with an extra excuse to almost never watch the TV. But after a working week that any dog – dog? – would be proud of, it was still nice to flick the TV on this evening as the computer beckoned teasingly from across the room to see if there was anything that could match the joys of work and the net. The TV in this humble abode had died recently. Or rather, not the TV, but its black box. You don’t seem to be able to have TV reception in Berlin without a box, rather than just the twisted coat-hanger that did for us when I was a lad. (Excuse the slip into Yorkshiredom. I’ve never been north of Watford in my life.) Anyway, the purchase of a new box – chrome, not black – ushered in a (short) era of televisual excitement in the BiB household as, mysteriously, this box gives us a whole different set of channels. I am stalinistically loyal to the BBC so almost puked with joy when some international version of it popped up before my eyes. But it only seems to play the in-betweeny jingly bit all the time and then provide a countdown to the next jingle. Which is no good to man or beast. Anyway, this evening, wine polished off, I flicked languidly from one channel to the next. Mostly just total puke, of course, and quiz shows with tough anagram questions along the lines of, “…the clue: German city – B-R-E-L-I-N,” and that drag queen – sorry, drag queens are the theme of the day – who reads the horoscope. And then Dolph Lundgren appeared. I languorously called out to the Russian. “Dolph.” He dashed in. “Has he got his kit off?” (Rough translation.) But, to our great surprise, Dolph seemed to have gone mature. He appeared to be playing a school-teacher. “There’s no way he’ll get his kit off in this,” we (probably) both thought, bilingually, and the Russian slunk back off to the mystery of the next room and I flicked onwards. “Odd,” I thought. “You’d think Dolph had been typecast by now. But maybe at 50, or however old he is, he’s just not rippling enough to play the get-your-kit-off roles anymore.” My thoughts turned to the computer, purring ignoredly in the corner, and maybe even the chance for a bit of sneaky blogging. “One last flick,” I thought, and by the time I got back round to Dolph, his shirt was ripped, the gleam on his pecs would have had any bootblack breathless with admiration, and he was brandishing a Kalashnikov and crawling through lift-shafts trying to beat the clock in a tense will-it-or-won’t-it-explode thriller. Too odd. He really should grow up. Still, he’s looking in fine fettle.
dolphteacher.jpg

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Comments»

1. Bowleserised - March 25, 2006

The Beeb’s version of CNN makes me so sad that I doubt even Dolph could cheer me up *sigh*

2. BiB - March 25, 2006

Just thought I’d add a little pic of Dolph on his way to take Double French (phwoar).

3. Wyndham the Triffid - March 25, 2006

Isn’t Dolph one of those fellows who has an IQ of 250 and is a qualified rocket scientist? How lucky for us that he opted for a movie career instead.

What? Oh.

4. daggi - March 25, 2006

Reading the article, I asked myself “who’s this Dolph chap”? I could only think of two possibilities:
1. Morph’s brother, hidden from the world by Tony Hart, due to a possible deformity (not enough plasticine resulting in one leg less than usual);

2. (more likely), some bloke who was a Vorlage for some of Tom of Finland’s drawings.

A quick google search (first result: “Ergebnisse Bildersuche nach Dolph Lundgren”, but I was looking for articles, how very helpful) suggests that possibility no. 2 was somewhat nearer, while being not particuarly exact.

5. daggi - March 25, 2006

I put Wyndham’s comment in the box marked “sarcasm”, until I, er, read wikipedia.

Dolph Lundgren (born Hans Lundgren, November 3, 1957, but claims 1959) is a Swedish actor. He attended the Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm, later received a master’s degree in chemical engineering from the University of Sydney, and was eventually awarded a prestigious Fulbright scholarship to MIT, but then changed the course of his career towards drama.

He received his first lead role as He-Man in Masters of the Universe (1987), based on the popular children’s toy, but the film was not a success and was ridiculed by most audiences. He speaks five languages: Swedish, English, German, French and Japanese……

6. BiB - March 25, 2006

Jesus, a brainy, rich (presumably) bit of rough. So they do exist! (Not gay, though, leider.) The Russian’s family thought nothing of his bedroom walls being plastered with Dolph posters in his youth as they thought it showed a healthy interest in all things manly and military (even if he was the actor that played the wicked Russky so heroically defeated by Stallone in Rocky 700).


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