Technophobia December 2, 2005Posted by BiB in Uncategorized.
Sorry to advertise here, but just in case any Germans or residents of the Bundesrepublik fancy a free laptop, there’s your deal. I am constantly bombarded in my inbox with this sort of advertising (unblockable, because they own my e-mail) and decided to plump for one of their offers recently. (The link is even better than the deal I got. When I signed up, it was order two mobiles for two-year contracts and get a laptop thrown in. Now the mobiles are contractless, if I’ve understood rightly.) I haven’t yet worked out the catch, and sure enough, a rather dishy blond delivery gent today furnished me with a laptop computer and two more mobile phones. I now have three of the former (2 PCs and a laptop) and four of the latter. I might as well just be done with it and become a drug-dealer right away.
I have long fantasised about owning a laptop. As an exile, I tend to travel a fair bit, and as my mother’s house is biblical in its technological levels (and there ain’t no miracles either), I do find myself climbing the walls chez elle, thinking of all the kopecks I could be earning and wondering if I can be bothered to walk to a crappy internet cafe to check my e-mail and be pressganged into buying a cup of luke-warm instant coffee for 3 quid. So now I have it. I do have a fairly major bout of away-from-homeness pending in January, so this will be my first test. No doubt it will sit dustily in my luggage or be broken en route. And I must say my excitement at having the bastard – I think the fantasy first formed in about 2000 – has already worn off. My first battle with it was getting it out of its packaging and trying to open the lid, as I’m sure it’s called in technology parlance. I went for force and there was a bit of a snap, but there seems to be no long-term damage done. And I suppose it looks laptoppish enough. A little silver rectangle (with German keyboard – I suppose I’ll cope) that shouldn’t make me stand out too much in the laptop crowd.
But I can’t get overly excited about gadgets. Now I’ll have to worry for two years that I’m getting the most out of my fifty free SMSes a month from my two utterly superfluous mobile phones. I can’t even give them away as they’ll no doubt be paid for out of my account. But even homosexuals and old people talk gadgets these days. When I think there might nicely be a conversation about love, or war, or sex, or god, or people in the offing, people start talking about what bandwidth they get on their mobile laptop ipod notebook. What the fuck? That ain’t a conversation. Even my mother – she of biblical advancement – asks me to fiddle with her mobile. And my ex-boyfriend, a 40-something homosexual, says, “Oh, Siemens,” when I whip out my mobile to fumble a graceless SMS to some fellow hermit.
The nicest thing about now owning a laptop is that it came in a lovely cardboard box which folds and closes nicely and has a sturdy plastic handle. That’ll come in handy for something, I’m sure. You can never have too many boxes.